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The world has stopped living
the people have passed it by
decided it's too overrated
and all it is is birth, work, and die

Sex - Violence - Money
this is what our world has become
too busy fighting to notice the sun shining
too busy working to hear their children crying

We have lost so many things
that used to be valued
no more long hardy laughs
no more smiles just becuase

The world has been passed by
everyone's eyes are closed
too busy to notice that their life is a joke

Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.

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The following comments are for "Your so-called Life"
by Elleta Jo Crismon

i know this isn't a very developed poem and it needs a lot of work so i desperatley need your insight. i have never written used this kind of topic . . . err . . . so if you would please leave comments it would be greatly appreciated.

( Posted by: Elleta Jo Crismon [Member] On: February 9, 2004 )

I really liked what you were trying to say with this poem. I agree - sex, violence, and money have taken the place of really living. I have some suggestions that might improve it, but I'm no expert. ;)

First, I hate spelling Nazis just as much as the next guy (or girl, as the case may be), but it's crucial in poetry to ensure that there are no typos. But that's a minor oversight. Also, "too overrated" is a tad redundent, since overrated is already an extreme that doesn't need a "too" in front of it.

Try to add your own spin to things. Children crying and sunshining? As is, they are a little bit cliched. That doesn't mean that they can't be good - just make them your own. Be descriptive to draw your readers in.

I reeeally liked your conclusion, but I think that it could be made even better by some careful rewording. I think that your message - that people are too busy to realize that their lives are meaningless or, as you say, a joke - is a good clincher, but perhaps you could use something more powerful that "joke". Just a suggestion :)

Overall I thought this poem had a good message, but needed some work on imagery, originality, and descriptive quality. Keep posting. Feedback will come, and you will improve in leaps and bounds.


( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: February 9, 2004 )

thankyou verymuch
i greatly appreciate your comments and suggestions. thank you very very much.

( Posted by: Elleta Jo Crismon [Member] On: February 10, 2004 )

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