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Blame it on the unicorn that my poor heart is dead
Faeries fly, princesses sigh,
but my fire's no longer fed
Because my dear, the world has teeth, my fantasies betray me.
My soul does bleed and in my need prince charming's love it slays me.
and no one saves me from the tower that I myself have have made,
so I sit alone, so far from home
in midnight's deadly shade
I push ahead, I carry on, though how I'll never know
and the moon above it shows its love
in darkness strange and slow.
you block the joy, you block the pain the two are joined together,
lose the one and you have none
your soul it turns to leather
and the world goes on, no one knows, one less heart's aflame.
and now i'll go, because you know
the unicorn's to blame.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Bitter, Just A Bit"
by nimue_the_mighty

A poem like bitter-sweet candy
Jessicanm is right, your use of rhythm in this piece is wonderful, and overall I like it a lot. I also agree with her suggestion that you re-block the text as the intuitive flow of the poem does not coincide with the way in which the lines are broken off.
A really smart bit o' rhyming none the less. You've turned a few well-used cliches into archetypes and personal landmarks without becoming trite and that's a pretty witty traversion of a poet's most awkward territory -- kudos!

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 4, 2004 )

better just a bit
Nice work keep up the good works

( Posted by: lynlin [Member] On: February 4, 2004 )

moons, fairies
ahh...all my favorite subjects - moons, fairies - unicorns. I liked the flow of this a lot.

( Posted by: poesandpoetry [Member] On: February 4, 2004 )

shoot the horse
Hurts, don't it? I like it. A lot. Not very good at critiquing, and I'm not sure what I can say that others haven't already said... but "I like it" is one of the highest compliments I pay. ^_^

( Posted by: Jei [Member] On: February 5, 2004 )

From the Author
to those of you who suggest i reblock the text, how would you suggest i do it? thanks for your comments, everyone.

( Posted by: nimue_the_mighty [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

day late, dollar short
I realize I'm late jumping on this bandwagon, but the consensus is dead on the money. You have an excellent use of rhythm and flow going here, with the exception of the line breaks. you also managed to use chiches without sounding cliched. Excellent work.


As far an example of the line breaks try this for lines 1-6 as you wrote them. These breaks will change the line numbers so just break at the words mentioned.

line 1: break at "unicorn"
line 2: break at "dead"
line 3: break at "sigh"
line 4: break at "fed"
line 5: break at "teeth"
line 6: break at "me"
line 7: break at "need"
line 8: break at "me"


I'm no master, but that's how'd I'd have done it. Hope that helps.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

Text Reblocking
Blame it on the unicorn
that my poor heart is dead
Faeries fly,
princesses sigh,
but my fire's no longer fed
Because my dear, the world has teeth,
my fantasies betray me.
My soul does bleed and in my need
prince charming's love
it slays me.
and no one saves me from the tower
that I myself have made,
so I sit alone,
so far from home
in midnight's deadly shade
I push ahead, I carry on,
though how I'll never know
and the moon above
it shows its love
in darkness strange and slow.
you block the joy, you block the pain
the two are joined together,
lose the one and you have none
your soul it turns to leather
and the world goes on, no one knows,
one less heart's aflame.
and now i'll go,
because you know
the unicorn's to blame.




That's how I would have done it, I think.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

9/10
I think I may adopt this as an antidote to all the gooey childrens fiction I read to my daughter.

And goodness knows we've all been there.

Cheers :)

( Posted by: desconocida [Member] On: April 9, 2004 )





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