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6False Dawn

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Let's not suffer at
Our own fate
Do not let destiny create us
Life is scarier, the
Truth is even scarier
Do not be blinded by nothing
I'm praying for the world
You sent a vision that
I did not understand
Lord; I need a interpretation

"If we will seek the counsel of the One who keeps us, and not of our own understanding; Then we would accomplish much, much more" - ~Jeannie Simpson~

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The following comments are for "Avarice"

Drop-off Words
The main thing I found with this piece were the drop-off words - the words like "that" and "the" which appeared at the ends of lines without anything to follow on that line. I find that these stop the flow, and that it would probably be a better poem with a better sentence structure. It can be used to good effect in some poems, but in this one, I don't think it's put to the best use. I liked the rest of the poem though.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

Dropoff words
Thank you for the comment. I will try to be more careful. You know I wrote a poem about writer's block. Sometimes I just sit at my desk, and look at my paper without anything written on it. had to give birth to a new poem.



( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

Ref. a text
For this poem, it might be interesting to reference some of Jesus' sayings in the Gospel of Thomas--sayings that are circular and confusing, but very interesting in deep contextual meaning. You could, perhaps, rearrange or add words to create some sort of paradox, question, etc., to better reinforce the need for "interpretation". Just a thought--

( Posted by: macman202 [Member] On: February 11, 2004 )

Macman202 & Pen:
Thank you both for the comments. Not so confusing Macman202, just that some people let money or material things be their god. greed, selfish.

Pen; Maybe a little more zeal to it. Do not be puzzled at what I said about an interpretation. I always ask GOD for one, when I am dreaming a religious dream. Sometimes Pen, believe it or not, someone might say something or I read something that I dream about, and it seems that is my conformation from GO0



( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: February 16, 2004 )

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