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I see the ceiling in intimate detail,
the curves, the groves
the bumpy surface is rather intruging.

While you're on top of me,
passionate heaving.
My soul isn't breathing.
And you're awake.

I can tell you the awkward way
the moon slips in your window shades.
And why the shadows dance on your walls
just like Plato's famous cave.

But when I try to tell myself,
why you crawl along the wall
or why you slink along the floor.
Like Franz, so far from me and all I know.

My mind goes blank.
And I return
to that wonderous pattern
repeated on the floor.

"God grant me distraction."

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The following comments are for "The Ceiling's Intimate Detail"
by Darkshine Raven

funny too
Hi =D. Yes I got a chuckle out of this baby too. I like the way you roamed around the room from ceiling to walls and then floor. Nicely intermixing matter, motion and philosophy. Light but deep.

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: January 18, 2004 )

sorry darkshine
I misread it =D. Sorry.
Thanks for helping set me straight pen and

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: January 20, 2004 )

no apologies
No need to apologize smithy, I'm glad to hear that my poetry gave you a laugh rather than made you sad. I don't like to make people sad, or make them think sad things at least. I guess that's the way my writing goes sometimes. *shrugs* I think Pen was the closest to identifying the mood I was in when I wrote this poem though. Very melancholy and full of questions about the past. Nice to know it's got many different dimensions though. Thanks for all your imput guys. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: January 20, 2004 )

darkshine again

hi again,

and please enter this one in the contest. please please. i actually went looking for it once you reminded me about your upcoming contest deadline... what's that one about the ceiling, i thought. where is it. here it is. it stayed in my memory and i truly love it. one of your best, i think. by the way, i shared claire's response to it 100%.

best of luck with it all, sweetie. it's been a delight to watch your writing grow.


( Posted by: ark [Member] On: February 27, 2004 )

ark again
Wow. I'm glad to see that you liked this one too! This was one of my personal favorites simply because of all the different things you all got from it. I definitely think that I'm gonna polish some lines because it feels awful rough around the edges (to me at least).

Thanks don't know how much this means to me. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 27, 2004 )

DS: red pen blitz

advance warning, when the red pen comes out, nothing should be taken personally, okay?

run the spell check on the whole works.

--the bumpy surface is rather intruging.

i would cut "rather" and say "intrigues me"

plus you meant grooves, not groves, right? do you really have oranges growing out of your ceiling?

no "e"

--My mind goes blank.

i think you can find a better way to say this. maybe an image of something blank rather than a spelled-out cliche.

otherwise, it's great work.


( Posted by: ark [Member] On: February 27, 2004 )

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