The Prattle #5: Ways to Improve Life
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(This column contains profanity, nudity and sexual references. If that sort of thing offends you, then maybe you should read “Daboom, Badoom,” or “Why am I here and Who stole my shoes.” They’re usually entertaining and non-offensive. )
If you ask me, life is pretty cool as it is, but that is not to say there is no room for improvement. Why, when I was a kid (and I know I’m sounding like your grandfather here, but screw it) I thought life was just about perfect.
Then we got cable and I couldn’t believe what an idiot I was to think that life couldn’t get better.
For those of you who take cable for granted, let me explain a little of what life was like before it. You’d plop your skinny butt in front of the TV. And I don’t mean across the room on the couch. I mean on the floor in front of the TV, because the goddamned remote control wasn’t invented yet either.
Anyway, you’d sit in front of the picture box with your snacks and cold drink, but you’d never know what you’d be seeing. Sure, TV Guide was in business, but what you saw was dependent on what your weak ass antenna picked up that day. You might see a picture, or you might see white fuzz that sort of resembled a picture. Then you’d have to move around, because depending on where you sat, you might get a better reception.
Of course, as kids we got a lot more exercise then kids do today, but that is besides the point. The fact is we suffered, dammit.
Now, if moving around didn’t work, you’d start turning the little dial next to the channel changer. Oh wait! You don’t know what a TV dial is? TV’s used to have a knob with little friggin numbers on it that went all the way to 13. You didn’t get 13 channels. You were lucky if you got five. Wanting six was just being fucking greedy.
Also, you should keep in mind that I’m only in my early thirties. I’m not as old as the hills, but I’m starting to be shaped like them. Especially, in the middle area, though that is a little off the subject.
So where was I? The knob do-hickey, thing-a-ma-bob-do-dad. You got all that?
As I was saying, a part of the knob was this spinning thing called a tuner. Sometimes, in order to get a picture, you would turn this tuner, but only for about 30 minutes or so. That way the TV show you wanted to watch was just about over, and if you were lucky, you’d improve the picture just in time to see the closing credits.
The point I’m trying to make is that before cable, TV pretty much sucked.
But after cable, …OH MY,…. life was grand. And I think most of you can relate to this. You no longer had to sit on the floor. No sir-ee-bob. Because cable came with a little black box and a beautiful REMOTE CONTROL! Hallelujah! Now you could plop your firm, tight ass on a soft, comfortable couch and wait for you buns to expand and develop little divots. Look at teenagers today, and you’ll know what I mean.
But I think the number 1 benefit to cable, had to be…….(Drum roll, please) …… TITS! That’s right. Cable put the BOOB in boob tube. Before cable, horny teenagers ran around the house looking for the dirty magazines that their Dad’s kept hidden in the garage, between the mattresses or under their car seat.
Sure, finding masturbatory literature was easy, but magazines do not do the feminine form justice. To really appreciate the breasts, you need to see them in motion. Ya know, like when a naked woman jumps up and down. Oh man, that’s a little bit of heaven to a sex starved teenage male. (Ahem…and to us middle aged ones too.)
Why do you think so many women jump on TV? I hope you don’t think it’s to further the storyline? That would just be ridiculous.
After cable, you had naked, jumping women at your disposal night and day. And do you know who benefited most from this? If you said the cable companies, you’re probably right. But I think the tissue companies are most likely second. And, if you can’t figure that out, I guess you don’t know teenage boys. They’re not spending all that time in the bathroom because they like to feel clean.
Uh-oh, I just realized that this was supposed to be about ways to make life better. But I guess that topic will have to wait until next week. Don’t be upset. If nothing else you’ve learned that before cable, no tits. And after cable, there were tits-a-plenty.
Thank you cable companies! Thank you indeed.
If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.