heart breaker
by u wont understand (Member) - published: January 15, 2004
Word Count: 66 Word Bytes: 328 Viewed: 513 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by u wont understand

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my fingers are quivering my lips are tembling. my voice disapears while i listen in horror with my ears i can't believe you. those ugly words falling out of ur lushes red lips can not be true! as my eyes grow wider my cheaks become reder and the tears start to flow down my face. for i have left your heart not leaving a trace.

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~*Abigail*~

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Comments

The following comments are for "heart breaker"
by u wont understand

Couple of points
Abby, this was a poem that should have conveyed sadness. I'm sorry, but I found myself tripping over typos and especially 'lushes'. A forced rhyme with 'disappears' 'listen in horror with my ears' also felt off, what else would you listen with? You've described a breaking up and with great emotion. I suggest you take a red pencil to it, be ruthless and objective. Tightened up, this could be really strong poetry. I apologise if this seems harsh, but I know you have the maturity to accept criticism.
Ciao
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: January 15, 2004 )

hmmm
GOOD :D

( Posted by: Mika Passig911 [Member] On: January 17, 2004 )

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