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9johnb79

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2002-12-28

why is it that everything i try
is doomed to fail, im not sure why
so it comes as no surprise
that now, as i look into your eyes
everything inside me dies
your forced smile still cannot hide
your eyes... they only say goodbye

------
of all misfortune, the worst kind of fate is to have been happy.
-boethius


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Comments

The following comments are for "the day i Died"
by ochimusha

Good Write
I think this is short, simple and effective. Good job.

( Posted by: ohprettybaby99 [Member] On: December 30, 2003 )

regarding Penelope
I'm not sure if those line breaks are necessary...sometimes it's better to have one long line than two short ones. But then again, it's only a matter of asthetics. Good job.

( Posted by: evil_bacteria [Member] On: January 3, 2004 )

thanks
thanks for all your wonderful suggestions and comments! the thing i like best about this community is the ability to get feedback from other writers. thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my amatuer ramblings.

and in regards to the formatting suggestions Penelope, i am more or less satisfied with the way it is. i (generally) prefer to let the reader find their own flow in my poetry, and it usually shows in my style. anyway, it's a pretty old piece; i dont think i have the heart to change it now even if i had wanted. your suggestions are always welcome, though!

( Posted by: ochimusha [Member] On: January 7, 2004 )





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