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[disc]Pg-13 (It should escalate and fit into this rating anyway.)
Contains frequent course language, sex scenes and strong violence... if you have a problem with any of this I suggest you turn around XD.[/disc]

Author's Note:
I suck at grammer and punctuation so if there's anyone willing to aid me it would be greatly appreciated.

Chapter 1

gave a spasmodic shiver as a bluster of wind blew against his already chilled body, as he walked briskly down the tattered, beat-up neighborhood.
The night air was icicle and wet, with a thick membrane of mist and rain hovering throughout the region. The ratty street was quiescently quiet with only the occasional bark from neighboring dogs.

O’Leary sparked a cigarette that had been dangling between his thin flawless lips for some time. His deep-set sable eyes squinted as he deeply inhaled the cancerous stick before exhaling.
Hoyt was seductive, tough, confident, cocky, suave…and deadly. O’Leary was one of five brothers who were all as dangerous and ruthless as him.

In the near off distance Hoyt could hear the familiar sounds coming from the local pub, smiling to himself he pulled his black leather jacket tighter around him as he crossed the street and turned...

“Where the fuck is ‘e?”

“Ask me ass, Colin. Ye know what ‘e’s like.” Replied Eugene McDowell as he drew heavily on his half smoked cancer-stick.

“Yea’. ‘e’s prob’ly still doin’ ‘is ‘air or maybe ‘e’s polishin’ ‘is ol’ gun.” Fergus laughed elbowing the younger man beside him in the chest, Colin offered a small chuckle while rubbing the side of his now aching chest.

Eugene made a wry face at his uncle before inhaling the last draw of his cigarette.

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The following comments are for "Forbidden"
by Xandra

Not bad, but needs polish
This isn't a bad start, but it does need some work. First, you used "as" too many times in the opening paragraph. It breaks up the flow your trying to create. Also, you definately need to work on spelling and grammar. Make sure you run a spell check before posting. Lastly, you need to be a little more descriptive about your main character. Saying he's seductive, tough, confident,cocky, suave and deadly is fine, but what does he do that makes him that way. Is he a hitman or spy? Maybe part of the mafia. It just needs a little more to hook the reader. I would like to see this again after two or three revisions. Definately a diamond, albeit in the rough.

( Posted by: wrath186 [Member] On: December 10, 2003 )

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