The Prattle, #4: You Have Hair, Where?
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At one point, hair served a couple of important purposes. It kept our ancestors warm, and in certain strategic places, it protected body parts from dust and debris. But thanks to clothing, hair has been reduced to a cosmetic feature, and having grown up in the eighties, I am very aware of this fact.
Now donít get me wrong, I like hair as long as it stays in its proper place, itís clean and its well groomed. However, some people seem to ignore these rules, and I think theyíre just plain rude.
Recently, I was sitting in a college class and a fellow student decided to strike up a conversation with me. I donít have a problem with that, hell Iím a sociable guy. But this lady really pushed my limits of politeness. Iím assuming she was in her late forties, and while the hair on her head could have used a mild brushing, it was the hair in other locals that really burnt my brisket.
Hanging from her nose, yes I said nose, were several very long strands of black, slimy hair. I guess she had a cold, or perhaps she was just suffering from a nasal juice flare up. Either way, it was pretty gross, and since Iím not a rude man, I managed to avoid braiding them.
Still, I had an extremely hard time not staring. I kept imagining Tarzan swinging from nostril to nostril. YesÖ thatís crude, but damn it, so is having half-inch nostril growth. I mean if youíre going to have nasal hairs that long, you should have the common courtesy to make them presentable. I think Iíd comb it over and pawn it off as a mustache, or better yet, Iíd bleach it and make a fashion statement.
Now as gross as nasal hair is, Iíve seen hair in other places, that frankly, I can do without. When I was in high school, one of the main features of our parties was a hairy ass contest. Fortunately, no women ever competed. However, there were men that had asses that resembled the back end of a wooly mammoth. What was really gross, was that at most competitions there were more than one or two contestants.
I wasnít familiar with other manís asses, so I was very surprised to learn there were that many men with this disability or ailment or deformity, whichever you feel most comfortable with.
My biggest concern with butt hair is in regards to cleanliness. I mean, wiping cannot be sufficient because poop would have too many crannies to cling to. TP would not be up to the task. If I had butt growth like that, power washing would become a way of life for me.
Basically, there is no way I could live like that. I think if I had butt cheek tresses Iíd have to pay a barber a little something extra, or maybe Iíd find one of those wax specialists who do the Brazilian jobs. Hell, if they can wax a vagina, theyíd certainly do an ass. And if worse came to worse, I stick both cheeks in a vat of boiling Crisco. Sure, Iíd be scarred, but I wouldnít walk around stinking of ass.
But maybe you feel differently. Perhaps, you like having ass hair that you can run your fingers through. It wouldnít surprise me. After all, some people liked to be peed on.
But I think Iíll save that for another issue.
If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.