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Raindrops on the pavement
Poor girl
With sadness to her ear
And her voice crowing softly
Like a sooten raven

[i]The mistress of the night
Took pleasure and delight
With intoxicating drinks
Her mind losing what it thinks[/i]

Raindrops falling faster
Poor girl
With sorrow in her heart
And mascara smudging black
Like a splash of coal

[i]The temptress of desire
Threw alight the fire
Passion taking over
Losing former lovers[/i]

Droplets crashing harder
Poor girl
With grievance in her mind
And lumps in her throat
As black as charcoal sand

[i]The seductress of the dark
Preying like a shark
Her mind was loose of thought
And finally, was caught[/i]

Showers scatter softly
Poor girl
Her monsoon eyes
And drinking ties
Have sent the storm to her


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Comments

The following comments are for "Monsoon Eyes"
by False Dawn

great title
F.D.

You have a great title for this piece, and the idea is sound, but there's something off in the delivery. I'm not sure if it's that the imagery that didn't work for me, or if it's just that I'm reminded of my angst ridden high school work a bit too strongly. The piece has promise however, and this is only one man's opinion.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

Could you...
Possibly extend on that comment slightly? How do you mean "off"? And in what way?

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

the doppleganger
I really like this piece. It's obvious to me that the girl with 'Monsoon eyes', and the 'Mistress of the Night' are two aspects of the same person. I imagine that the self-pitying aspect of the weeping girl is what turns Bart off, here. For me, the implication that 'The temptress of desire' is the one causing the trouble connects the poem nicely.

Two lines, perhaps, need your attention:

'Threw alight the fire' doesn't quite work.

and:

'Her mind was loose of thought'

might be better as 'in thought'


I really liked the line

'Like a sooten raven'


This, to me, is like a dramatic dialogue, told, not spoken.

( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

Thought
Loose in thought? that would change the meaning of the phrase wouldn't it? Loose of thought means more that she is, well, loose of thought. Not sure how else to describe that. Her thoughts flitter across her mind and fall by the wayside. Loose in thought would suggest she is actually thinking... perhaps you could explain that change?

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

I'll try
I think what you're trying to say is that she's been loose (undisciplined, careless, inexact) in her thinking, and that the consequences are catching up with her. Neither of the two expressions we've come up with are very good, I'll admit. Comes from trying to force-fit it into the place available.

"Her mind was filled with loose thoughts
and finally was caught"

?

( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

Force-fit?
It wasn't force-fit at all. That was just the way I originally wrote it on the spur of the moment. It may not be grammatically correct, but your correction wouldn't fit either, being much too long and changing the rhythm. Hmm, it'll probably have to stay the way it is, I guess.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 12, 2003 )

okay
okay, you've successfully defended your obscurity. I'll just continue not knowing what you mean.

( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: November 12, 2003 )

Monsoon Eyes
FD;
I liked this poem, especially,the title alone. How in the world did you come up with a such
great title? wow! I love what you did with the brackets in this poem.
keep em' comin.'

Blessings

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: November 14, 2003 )

EZcodes
The brackets were supposed to kick the ezcode into italics, but something obviously went wrong there...

The title just came to me for some reason. I was thinking of rain to describe tears and i just got the idea of a monsoon. My friend reckons it's cuz i have a thing for indian stuff, but i've never noticed it personally. Thanks for your comment, it's much appreciated.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 14, 2003 )





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