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dirty kids ragged up fine in grot
all grime dirty smiles
mud pies real flies

sleeping box and drain wash
throwing rocks scraping bins
pinching if we could what

black tooth old bum smells bad
run on
slip 'n' slide (gutter ride)

hand outs take some
right now it's still fun

won't be when winter comes.

------
-Lu


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Comments

The following comments are for "rocks"
by Lu

better
The first two stanzas are great, but then it's like you descend into a schizophrenic puddle of words. I think can do better than this Lu, maybe if you cut the first two stanzas and made them the beginning for a different poem. Just my opinion though...

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: November 5, 2003 )

revision
hmm..
I'm just impatient (and have too much other stuff that I should be doing..), may attention span only lasts for two stanzas..

cleaned it up a little.

( Posted by: Lu [Member] On: November 9, 2003 )





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