Cyclops eye
by Kitten Courna (Member) - published: November 3, 2003
Word Count: 79 Word Bytes: 548 Viewed: 2792 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Kitten Courna

8.10

(48 votes)

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In a room with no more tissues
we sat together
with a mythical beast.
It sat between us
with the empty box,
its cyclops eye
telling us
the things we wanted to hear.

When we had borne out our issues,
if we might weather
or if we would be pieced.
It sat between us
put our words in locks,
it tells us lies,
letting us
forget what we need to hear.

-Kitten
(otherwise entitled: Juanita, yo quiero un Kleenax.)

------
For I'm a rover
Seldom sober
I'm a rover of high degree.
An' when I'm drinkin'
I'm always thinkin'
of how to gain my Love's company
-I'm a Rover, via Great Big Sea

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Comments

The following comments are for "Cyclops eye"
by Kitten Courna

Not to bad
but not as good as some of your other stuff. I felt the flow was choppy and that the idea wasn't fleshed out enough to carry through to the reades. Just my opinion though.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

image
i love the image of the empty tissue box as a cyclops, of it standing between you and resolution, as if since there are no more tissues, there can be no more tears and therfore no more discussion. nice.

( Posted by: cybele [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

yo quiero
a half-blind cockatrice?
a lobster with half a head?

*shrug*

i like the emotion behind it though. it feels a lot like what i'm feeling right now :P

( Posted by: Rogan [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

my apostasy
I agree with jessica, the piece felt a little off rhythm to me. I love all your work, how could I not, you being the mother of the beasties and all and it pains me to give you a lesser score, it feels like blasphemy as I hear the wail of displeasure from the beastie horde.
I feel it needed one more verse for breadth and depth, as it stands now it seems unfinished. With a little tweaking this can be a grand poem rather then just a good one. 8/10

Warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: November 3, 2003 )

Nice idea (also voting mismatch)
I really liked this poem. And I'm going to give you a score of 8/10. This would be enough to win a lot of write-offs, but I'm afraid not this one: Penelope has produced a masterpiece, so I'm sorry to have to put you in second place.

I'd love to have seen the original guidelines for this contest; I'm struggling to see an obvious connection between the two pieces, and I think it would have been easier to judge if I knew how well the guidelines had been followed :)

I liked what you tried to do with the form and the rhymes (it's interesting that the write-off so often seems to generate poems with unusual schemes).

The trouble is though, that it looks like you've painted yourself into a corner with the rigidity of your rhyming scheme: the first stanza is fantastic; I love it. But the second seems awkward: in places the need to get a rhyme leads to you losing the rhythm slightly, and worse, even the flow of meaning. It's not a disaster by any stretch - it's still a good poem - but definitely needs some thought.

And finally - I'm sorry to see such huge mismatch between the number of votes cast; as I write, this poem has 7 and Pen has 16. Please folks, if you're going to give a score for one piece in a write-off, please take the time to give one to the other too.
(and I know it's off topic, but it needs to be said... again...)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

sounds of silence
Kitten, your poem delivered unpleasant memories of how the TV was used as a distraction in my marriage. As regular as night followed day the programming decisions never altered. I would do needlework while my husband would drink himself into a stupor and pass out on the couch. I pulled myself out of the syndrome and began doing things. If I hadn't I'm sure my brain would have atrophied. As I read this I was constantly reminded of those years. To me this poem is so sad. I wasn't brought up with TV and I have a different attitude about it. I can turn it off! I preferred the flow of the rabbit poem you wrote in the last write off though.
Spudley - the topic was television and we were to present it as a significant image. I think we both accomplished that handily.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

interesting structure
I liked the structure of the two stanzas. There was a a mystical appeal about the piece. Otherwise, I can only echo the other comments. Another stanza. I gave it an 8.

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

the mythical
Kitten, after much debating and indecision, I'm going to give you the nod on this write-off. I think you could have been a bit more clear and you definately could revise some of the second stanza. However, the mystery of this piece definately grabs me. The imagery is nicely done and slightly surreal. This poem could stand to be touched up, but I believe it to be the better of the two (if you are curious for my other thoughts see blog entry, "judging woes").

I had a very hard time chosing between these pieces...very hard. =P

8/10

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: November 5, 2003 )

Quickly...
...popping in to add my two cents...

I liked this poem at the beginning, but agree with previous comments about it seeming unfinished. I got a little lost in the second stanza. Perhaps a little clarifying section in the middle might work...

I'm going to go with a 6/10 for this...
Sorry.

( Posted by: Jasmine [Member] On: November 5, 2003 )

Kitten/Nice
litle poem you have here Kitten. I'm not use to seeing poetry written by you, but I did enjoyed reading it. You write beautifully. I will give you a 8/10

blessings

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: November 7, 2003 )

thin in the middle
K.C.~

I really liked this poem, it has an ethereal mytic quality that juxtaposes nicely with the mudane reality of the subject. My biggest problem was that I felt the poem lost some clarity in the middle. I was left wondering, searching for detail that wasn't there. Still this was a well crafted piece in other respects, the imagery was well done, and the language as always flows well.

But due to the hiccup in the middle I'll gonna have to vote for Penelope's piece this go around.

Until we meet again.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: November 8, 2003 )

i did one like this.
the structure of it was well thought out, and it flowed wonderfully, it certainly describes some of the adverts these days - some i would love to forget!

well done.

( Posted by: man eating maniac [Member] On: November 10, 2003 )

My turn
I suppose now the contest's over, so I can feel free to comment. My first comment: I am surprised.

Ironically enough, the only one who understood the poem was Penelope. I sincerely hope that those resurfacing memories didn't bother you too much, Penelope.

My foremost goal in these contests is to challenge myself, and so challenge myself I did. It was a horrible pain to write, and even more of a horrible pain to read. I knew that the immediate response to the topic(which was also a horrible pain, but I do enjoy challenges), would be to write a poem about TV, and immediately swore off it. I haven't been around a television in months and have no regrets about it. So I made the tv a prominent image, the poem was about the relationship between two people. I'm not sure what went wrong in the poem that it wasn't conveyed properly, but that's to be expected in such a rigid format.

Still, I'm shocked. I appreciate all your comments, as always, and am thankful for such good input.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: November 10, 2003 )

Clarity
Following your explanation, I understood the poem a little better. But I think that if you (or I at least) can't get it without an explanation, then it needs a little clarification. I liked this one, but I'm giving Penelope the win. 9/10. Later, Kitten.

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

clarity
Kitten: One of the reasons I commented is because I got frustrated by other readers not seeing the thread through your poem. I chuckled to myself after going arrrggghhh! they don't get it! and diving in to offer my comments. too funny! I agree that this is a painful topic to write about but it also is one which makes me angry. I went with the rant rather than the angst. When I read yours, I thought .. oh shit .. she's got something good going and was as surprised as you about the comments. I knew why it sort of ran around the edges skirting the ramifications and you brought it home to me. ah well. Do I deserve this win? but of course I do! he he he ..

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

Sneaky Tiger
The big cat definitely wins out this time *grin*, I won't argue with that.

I agree with Washer's opinion, it's the reason I don't respond to comments until the end, for fear what I say will influence what the reader thinks, which really isn't what I want. I can get my opinion any time I want *grin*.

Thanks for 'coming to the rescue' in a way, Penelope. It was quite amusing really, we both seem to have caught the most forceful emotion conveyed in each other's poems. What an awkward contest! I'm not at all sure what it means, really, but it's made losing out quite enjoyable! Congrats again, Penelope, we should do this again sometime. *grin*

-The Little Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

Well written...
I enjoyed this work, but I couldn't quite get the flow to come out for me, yet it still was written well. I'm giving you an 8/10

( Posted by: AdamR [Member] On: November 11, 2003 )

close to home
Man, this reminds me of some very uncomfortable relationship issues I've had, sometimes still have. Hits way too close to home for my comfort! But some good poems are like that: and this is a good poem.

Could the two entries in this write off be any different? Yours isn't as fun as Penelope's, but it has greater emotional effect. I'm scoring you just slightly lower than Penelope because her poem has that horrifically difficult structure, deserving of an extra point. But your poem is also fantastic!

No hard feelings, right?

( Posted by: Boy Howdy [Member] On: November 12, 2003 )

For the sake of argument
I would insist that rhyming the lines respectively across stanzas while maintining the same number of syllables was a rather difficult endeavor. So let's please not insist upon difficulties as determining factors.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: November 12, 2003 )

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