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The mice arrived - hallelujah.
The creases in your shirt reminded me of the floor
because thats where you leave things
that only keep you warm...

The mice came quickly - Horray.
you were thrilled at the prospect of earning respect
until you realised that honour
didn't have much in it...

So the streets are still wearing away
the water still pushes the silt
the mice come and the mice stay
and your floor is where I momentarily lay...

The Mice arrived Hallelujah.
you always said that they would come
to eat the bindings of class and culture
where woman are ladies and the men are handsome

but the mice grow fat and restless
lying with me on your floor
like an army of animals on leave
with me as their captain- Hallelujah...


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The following comments are for "The mice arrived"
by The Universal mind

jux-ta
-position of mice who are
a)fat
b) restless
and even
c) lying around on the floor with you.

great image.
great opening stanza.
i'd like to see you strengthen the second stanza... i bet you could find a really clear, direct image to replace those three lines.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

mice
I really liked the way you used the mice in this poem, and definately the repetition of "hallelujah". You spelled "realized" wrong in the second stanza third line (you ought to feel special, it's rare I catch a spelling error). =D A very nice poem.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: November 4, 2003 )

Spelling
I am thrilled that you guys are reading my work and I my self have been enjoying your own. I thought I should mention though, that as I am an Australian I spell "Realised", with an S not a Z (Zed not a Zee)! :P

Nice try! and keep up the good work!

( Posted by: The Universal mind [Member] On: November 4, 2003 )

liked it
Very nice. Not perfect, in fact I think you cuold have left out the shirt metaphor altogether, but it was pretty darn good, both aesthetically and metaphorically. You're now officially cool.

( Posted by: evil_bacteria [Member] On: November 5, 2003 )





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