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Gentle touch and tender kiss
Long term love and lifetime bliss
In each others arms to lie
And this strong love, no-one deny

Though milky dream I see through now
No two lovers wear the crown
Of women perfect for the other
This warmth just serves, to bruises, cover

Anger, hormones, cheating spouse
Laws that make home just a house
Children bullied and rebelling
The illusion, no more, gay magz selling

Gentle touch and tender kiss
Purple patches caused by fists
In each others arms you lie
As you watch your "honey" fade and die





------
The answer to EVERYTHING!!!:- The Cycle.
Spread the word man!


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Comments

The following comments are for "Gay Girl Illusions"
by A. Cain

Gay Girl Illusions
I can't figure out this poem's point of view. One second it sounds pro-lesbian and the next it sounds anti-lesbian. It is too muddled and needs to be written more clearly.

The last line of stanza #2 is awkward.

Also, I don't get the rhyme scheme - now/crown and kiss/fists don't rhyme whereas the other end-words rhyme in a pattern.

And all the bruises - I can't tell who's bopping on who.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: October 28, 2003 )

Gay girls
This, in my inestimable opnion, was on the road to good.

While I didn't get ver batim what you were trying to say, there were enough parts that leapt out at me that I was left with a strong sense of the whole.

There are a couple of times when you broke your rhythm and jarred me to a tooth-shattering halt - this happens, notice it, work on it.

The first stanza was alright, nothing special but handled with some deftness.

Second stanza - Again, not bad. Contrary to Gomar's gripe "crown" and "now" can be used as rhymes. They are called near rhymes and are found throught our blessed store of English poetry. This would also apply to "kiss" and "fists".

I didn't like the last line of the second. I found it needlessly ugly (from an aesthetic rather than Polly Anna perspective) and awkward. Try not to turn words o contortionists merely to fit a pre-formed line. Not a cardinal sin, but at least a venal one and a bad habit to cultivate.

3rd stanza - Quite liked the flavour of the opening two lines. I beleive the second would be stronger if it were re-written "Laws that make a home a house". I think it would be more in keeping with the rhythm and it doesn't alter the meaning a bit. That is a suggestion, not a decree ;)

I didn't quite get the reference to "gay magz" sic (use an "s" for plurals), it came out of the blue at me and to be honest that is where you lost me.

And last but not least, the fourth - Use this stanza as the model for your poetry for now. You have it nearly perfect in this one.

The lines snap, they fit one another and they work off of one another. I particularly like the way you used alternating lines to display the dichotomy between romantic bliss and domestic hell. Quite well done.

I would suggest changing the first three words of the last line, you have one to many syllables there and it breaks the flow.

Good work A!

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: October 28, 2003 )





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