The Prattle Volume 2: Awkward Moments
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Recently I found myself in a situation that was both awkward and nauseous, which is something I’m sure many of you can relate to. I was talking to one of my neighbors who is a very pleasant person. However, he’s old and I’m not sure he realizes it.
Anyway, we were discussing a boxing match and he asked if I had a “hotbox.” (This is a cable box that allows you to receive cable channels without paying for them.) I responded, “No, I saw it at a friend’s.” Then the conversation got freaky.
“I do,” he said. “But it’s not hooked up. All that was ever on the damn thing was porn.”
Right about now I’m starting to get real uncomfortable. The last thing I want to know about is a seventy-year old’s pornographic viewing habits because this leads invariably to their sex habits. Mental images like that can cause a young man to have stiffening problems, if ya know what I mean. So I start backing away real slow and subtle.
Unfortunately, I was a little too subtle because he kept talking.
“I turned it on in the middle of the day and there’s two people going at, and my wife’s sitting right there.”
Fine, that wasn’t so bad right? But, then the mental images start flowing, because you know what people do after they watch a little porn. You see him and his decrepit old wife in a state of undress and even worse, in a state of fornication. You can’t help it. He planted the seed and it’s growing.
Then you start thinking, “What kind of sex do old people have?” Oh god, It can’t be good. They are probably as sexually inept as young people, but for different reasons. I mean teenagers grope around in the dark because they don’t know where all the important places are. But old people should be handicapped by arthritis and back pains. Right? And, I’m not even going to get into lubrication and erectile dysfunctions.
But the shows not over folks. While I’m dealing with these horrible images, he just keeps talking.
“If my wife wasn’t home, that would be totally different. Hell, I’d watch that stuff all day.”
At this point I can literally feel my sphincter pucker as the mental image of this old geezer personally pleasuring himself cuts through my brain.
Oh, … and I mean CUTS!
Picture it if you dare, but it isn’t pretty. An old, milky white man massaging “Mr. Happy” who only has the ability to stand mid-way. This probably looks like your sock when it’s hanging half off of your foot.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why did he share that with me?”
And the truthful answer is--I hate to suffer alone. If I’m going to be tortured by these mental pictures, than so are you, DAMN IT! That’s right, you’ll never look at your grandparents the same way knowing that their libido is intact even if their tools aren’t.
By the way, do you think they use Ben-Gay as a sex aid? Oh man, I hope not.
If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.