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What once was one
Now is two
Parted by the voice
Of Moses
Wood-chipped by a lumber axe
The self as whole
Has fallen back,
Become two squirrels
Nibbling fruit
Licking away
The grime of purity.
Acorns of life
Bring light to them
And in so doing
Reunite their souls
Splinters of darkness
When what once was two
Becomes one once more.

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The following comments are for "Twintree"
by False Dawn

catchy title, nice imagery
Yes, a good title that reflected the good
poem. Nicely spliced and then threaded together. Loved the imagery. Don't know about the "grime of purity" though. What about "rind" of purity since its fruit they nibble. You may be signifying something I can't see though - emphasizing the contrast, maybe? Good work.

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: November 3, 2003 )

Yes, it is a contrast. The grime of purity is sorta different from what you'd expect because, well, purity is always considered as white, as ideologically brilliant. Rind wouldn't really have the same effect. Thanks for the comment.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 4, 2003 )

The grammar police!
I'm surprised most of my poems have got past your watchful eyes, Jess, as most of them neglect grammar! But anyway, i see grammar more of a tool than a neccessity. I have comma and a full stop or two there to break the poem up a bit, but with more, i think it might slow the poem down two much. Unless you have some seamless suggestions...?

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: November 10, 2003 )

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