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A million eyes on me
A million years worth of tears
Not one single one mine
And they say it is time
That binds
That bends the lies
Time flies
When you are having fun
Going to jump that roulet gun
And she is high as a kite
Her Flyte of fancy
Is it the stars up above?
Or the Hell's fire below
Nipping at her toes?
Lost in some mute music
She is dancing with the cicadas
Prancing with her shoe laces untied
Where is she heading?
To some untold demise?
Or to some where darker
Where no one dies

"Pretty girls make graves..." -Jack Kerouac

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The following comments are for "Retoracle Laughter: Here"
by MerryJayned

nice job
I liked the flow of this poem; I thought the chances you took with the different spelling (though I do hope you know how to actually spell the word in your title)worked for the most part and the imagery was very strong. Good stuff. :)

( Posted by: desconocida [Member] On: October 16, 2003 )

I don't know
This poem has good energy & spontaneity but something's not right - there's a vagueness, something muddy. Is this exactly how the poem turned out on first writing?

There's stuff I really like, like dancing with the cicadas with shoelaces untied - an unexpected & pleasing image. Some of the mispelling I like except for "roulet."

I think the 2nd half of the poem is stronger than the first. Lines 4, 5 & 6 I think are kind of muddy. Who are "they" and do "they" really say that? And what does it mean?

I know spontaneous poems are hard to revise because there's a certain delicacy that holds them together but I think you should revisit this one. It's pretty good but could be much better.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: October 16, 2003 )

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