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The Prattle of Parteepants: The Other Reasons To Go To College!


So you finished high school and figure youíve had enough education to last you a lifetime. Well, sparky think again. Some of the best reasons to go to college have nothing to do with broadening your horizons or furthering your career. Here are the real reasons to go to college that your guidance counselor failed to mention.

Reason 1: New Found Freedoms.

Freedom! Youíve read about it and now itís time to experience it. Let me tell you, it is sweet! There is no mom and dad around to tell you when to go to sleep or when to get up and no one to tell you to cut your hair or eat your peas. Once youíve left for college you have heard, ďGet your fat ass of the couch and get a jobĒ for the last time. You may still hear these types of comments in your dreams, but like a Vietnam vet, eventually these nightmarish visitations will go away. I promise.

Now, freedom is a luxury you probably never had before, and it is going to take some time to get used. During the first few weeks you may drink until you puke, sniff a little glue, get a tattoo or even piss in your trashcan. Itís all perfectly normal, and everyone does it. This is called stretching your wings and learning your limitations. Hopefully, gaining this knowledge wonít kill you.

Reason 2: Your Parents Will Love You More

Thatís right, your parents will love you more and for a couple of reasons. First, parents like to brag about their kids and itís somewhat hard to do that if you pump gas for minimum wage.

Secondly, AND you may want to sit down for this, your parents really want to have SEX!

Iíll wait a few moments for you to stop shaking.

Face it, since you were born, your parentís sex life has been as sporadic as your dates and they are about to embark on a sexual feeding frenzy that will include making mad monkey love on the stairs, the kitchen table, the washer, and even against the larger houseplants.

Now as nauseating as this sounds, you are the one who reaps the benefits of this.

Why?

They are in a much better mood since these intimate cravings have been satisfied.

How does this benefit you?

Well, monetarily of course. Now that youíre gone, your parents are rolling in the dough. Primarily, because your are not there eating all of their food or running up their electric bill with your computer, video games and stereo systems. So, pick up the phone, giveíem call, and watch the cash roll in.

Reason 3: WOMEN!

Now I know what youíre thinking, ďBut Parteepants, Iím a greasy, zit-faced troll. Whoís going to sleep with me?Ē Oh, you poor misguided child. You have not done your research. Most college campuses have girl to guy ratios that favor men. Some are 4 to 1, 6 to 1, 8 to 1 and if you look very hard, you can find some universities with a 10 to 1 advantage for men.

How do you like those odds?

Face it, the law of averages dictates that eventually youíre going to be in the right place at the right time, to be with a girl who is drunk and horny enough to let you throw her a bone.

In addition, if youíre remotely attractive, and know how to keep your fat trap shut (because women donít like men who brag about their sexual conquests) you may find yourself getting lucky on a regular basis.

So, when you are packing for college, leave your ďStar WarsĒ action figures at home, and pack a few condoms instead. Trust me, youíll need them.


Reason 4: Beer

Oh boy, alcohol is the nectar of the gods. You may not think so now, but you will. Beer, that great golden beverage, flows freely and cheaply on just about every college campus in the world, and some of the best nights of your life will be spent slightly deranged and barking at the moon.

Besides, drinking really increases your odds of getting ďReason #3.Ē However, you donít have to drink. You can stay in your dorm room and beat off to your Brittany Spearsí posters, but I think itís high time you moved on to the real thing. Donít you?

So to re-cap, college is good because you get some independence, your parents send you cash, youíll probably get laid and youíll definitely get drunk. Yup, that about sums it up.

An added bonus is that you get all of the above, and if go to class once in a while, you may actually graduate and get a better job. But hey, letís not get greedy.


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If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.


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The following comments are for "The Prattle"
by Richard Dani





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