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He has arived. Wake, forced to retreat from the morning sun. The young man walked into the oatmeal colored buliding wincing at its grotesqe array of sights and sounds. He is deppresed. His girlfriend has moved to San Francico, she tells him its a better place. It bothers him that all the trees have been cut down and replaced by security cameras. No school is safe now he is told, he remembers, nodding to the police officer walking the halls amongst the cattle. The man in blue, a new age cow boy, does he realize this boy is a stray? The boy quikens his pace through the students he imagines as a cattle herd. The boy sits down in class, not paying attention, he begins to write. Escape, minute after hour after day, from the impending slaughterhouse of society.This is his destination? He wants to learn, to write, to speak, and above all to spell. Was this boy going slightly mad or was he just destined to be egregious.


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The following comments are for "Arival to el Ranch"
by Cordle

I think the idea behind this story is good, but I bet the storytelling could be better! Try fleshing out the character and describing the setting. I was a bit confused as to what was going on. I liked this line particularly though:

"It bothers him that all the trees have been cut down and replaced by security cameras."

Awesome, sounds like my hometown! =D Keep writing, if you expand on this, let me know...I'd be interested in reading it.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: October 2, 2003 )

First off I really apreciate your comment Darkshine Raven. I'll take your advice to mind next time I write. I just started a few days ago deciding that this would be more fun than the boob toobs nonsence. I plan on writing much, much more. What I really need is advice on how to make my stories flow. I appreciate all forms of critisism so anyone who is kind enough to read what I write.... Ill take the advice. Thanks.

( Posted by: Cordle [Member] On: October 2, 2003 )

the time is really only 10 pm
I think that you should take a little chunk of that fat paycheck i know you get every week or so and buy yourself an even fatter dictionary. In this sentence "Wake, forced to retreat from the morning sun" the wake seems out of place. What is it doing there? When you describe the building as oatmeal colored, it is ambiguous as to what flavor oatmeal it is; maple and brown sugar, apples and cinnamon, original? there are so many flavors out there, you gotta specify specify specify. delcor ward 5 REPRESENT

( Posted by: queenhgt [Member] On: October 4, 2003 )

you wrote this piece as author omnicient viewpoint and that's probably the second weakest viewpoint of all the possible ones (2nd person viewpoint is at the bottom of the barrel.) Try rewriting the piece from the viewpoint of the character. Let us see what he sees, hear what what he hears and feel what feels. Let us inhabit his body and ride along. By the end you won't have to tell us he's going mad. We'll know.

I'm glad you said you'd be writing lots more. Great! It's like playing the piano. The more you do the better you'll get. Don't be shy about rewriting a piece. You learn a lot from doing that too.

Good effort! I'll be looking for more.


( Posted by: susanb55 [Member] On: October 6, 2003 )

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