A Journey In the Marshes
by Darkshine Raven (Member) - published: September 30, 2003
Word Count: 154 Word Bytes: 1060 Viewed: 2361 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Darkshine Raven

7.07

(26 votes)

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I can taste the marsh.
It feels like death across my lips.
Wandering out into the dark,
I hope there's more than this.

Masterful crickets compose their ballads
all around me as I stroll.
Brushing aside the innocent plantlife,
I feel ennui has taken it's toll.

This search so empty,
has lead me here.
A place of muck, of dread,
and fear.

I thought I saw a glimmering light.
I thought I'd chase it here.
But again I'll suffer a fate so trite,
the light's departed while I am near.

My legs give out beneath me,
my stomach feels so weak.
I drop upon the tempid earth
I simply long to speak.

Instead I offer up scream,
and look toward the sky.
Yet my lament is silenced
when the clouds go drifting by.

There above the branches
where no other eyes can see.
I glimpse the technicolor lights,
they have returned to me!

------
"God grant me distraction."
-Zampano

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Comments

The following comments are for "A Journey In the Marshes"
by Darkshine Raven

Mystery
I like this, Darkshine. I'm giving you an "8" over EB because it was clearer, I liked the imagery, and it induced more feelings in me.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: September 30, 2003 )

Re: A Journey In the Marshes
Well done, Darkshine. As Elpha said, it was clear and the imagery was well written.

( Posted by: AdamR [Member] On: September 30, 2003 )

mystery, praise, and wordings
Elpha and AdamR- Thank you for the praise. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem! =D

Bob- Aw...trite? It's too bad that you feel that way, although I can understand why you would. Thank you for your kind words despite your opinion of my poem. Perhaps I'm just not so good at writing about something I'm told to write about. Oh well, it's a wonderful chance to improve, isn't it? =D

Penelope- Haha, your right about tempid, I can't believe I made that mistake. *sigh* At least you still knew what I was talking about, so it works as it is I guess. Why the prejudice against the words scream? I wasn't really going for the whole mystery thing as much as I was just describing a search for something. And I don't feel bad at all, I disagree with something that have been said already, but that has nothing to do with this being a "contest". I'm glad to have the chance to get your advice and evaluations. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 30, 2003 )

My worthy Opponent
I liked this and would have voted for it except the author of the competing piece bribed me ;)

You are a good poetess and to be honest I was a little scared when I found out it was you I was going against. No need to feel honoured to be up against me (although the sentiment is appreciated) you are among the best here - as the VERY close scores would indicate.

Good luck and well-done.

Yours always;
Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: October 1, 2003 )

Some errors...
I enjoyed the rhythm of the poem, especially since good lyrical poetry is hard to find, but felt that some of the rhymes were a little forced.
Beginning at about the word "trite," the poem started being a little less clear and well-worded. I was also wondering about "tempid," but since you explained that... The thing that was most off-putting was the grammatical and spelling errors (like a misplaced apostrophe).
My favorite part of the poem, in all, was the first two stanzas. The lines "I can taste the marsh. It feels like death across my lips." hit hard, and were beautifully striking. In all, a 5/10 because I'm a grammar obsessive, but some parts of the poem were absolutely stunning.

( Posted by: Reiko Korin [Member] On: October 1, 2003 )

Well done!
Darkshine, the imagery on this piece was so great, that I could feel my shoes getting wet sinking into the marsh, and a chill begin to envelop me from the dampness! I couldn't wait to get home to curl up with a good hot cup of tea. I gave you an 8/10.

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: October 2, 2003 )

I hope I'm not too late
I liked your poem, and the way you presented the marsh was excellent. Good imagery, too. The thing that bothered me is that you don't hit your rhythm until the last three stanzas. They all fit together very neatly, while the others tend to drift rhythmically. I was especially bothered by the third stanza, which just seemed to be a filler, an incomplete sentence almost when given the rest of the stanzas. On a more personal judgement(which may freely be ignored, since I'm sadly outdated), I didn't feel like you really warmed up to your subject. There wasn't any great tone or any single idea that seemed important throughout. If you're going to describe a place that's dreary, your best shot is usually to make it sufficiently dreary to be interesting, or at least amusing. Your technicolor lights almost got you there, but it was a little to late, and a little to...little? I enjoyed your poem, certainly, but I feel like you can write better than this.

-Kitten(who doesn't mean to be harsh if that was)

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: October 2, 2003 )

grammer, and dreary marshes?
bliss- You flatter, but I appreciate it. This looks to be a close run! =D

Reiko- Hmmm, I'm definately not much of a grammer whiz, particularly when it comes to poems. I don't think it's important for the most part, but I understand where you're coming from. But thank you for the praise you did grant me. =D

Bea- Thank you, I hope you got yourself warmed up!

Kitten- No worries about being harsh! I find it interesting that you felt I didn't catch my rythmn until the last three stanzas while Reiko saw it the other way around! I guess it's kinda personal preference although I tend to side with you on that.

I think the main thiing is to remember I wasn't trying to be dreary. I was describing a search for the marsh lights (the topic). The idea of this write-off was to write a poem where the lights were a prominent symbol. The lights, indeed were the goal of the search, and I believe I did celebrate them! =D Just to clarify a bit..anyways, you're right, I can write better than this, but that's the point isn't it? To get better which I intend to do...with everyone's helpful advise! =D

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: October 2, 2003 )

joining in late again
First things first: I found myself picking flaws in both the poems in this write-off. They're both good in their own ways, but after careful consideration, I can't pick a clear winner - I'm going to score both of them 7/10.

The imagery in this poem started off really strongly, but towards the end it felt less like a poem, and more as if you were hurrying to get to the end of the story. I think that's what Pen picked up on with her comment about 'scream'.

The other thing I want to ask about is the last verse. In the context of the rest of the poem, it should be marsh lights you're seeing, right? But to me, the way it's described makes it sound like you're seeing a UFO, which slightly jars with the rest of the poem.

Anyway, as I said, not bad overall. 7/10. I'll cut this short so I can go review the other poem in the contest!

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: October 4, 2003 )

lights...
Spudley- Thanks for your honest evaluation. I suppose you could see it like looking up and seeing UFOs. It's all in the reader's opinion.

Penelope- I though you did look upwards to see marsh lights...right? Heh, perhaps I was a bit confused. I agree with you about the topic, a bit specific but I enjoyed the challenge.

Thank you again everyone who commented on the Write-Off, I appreciate it more than you realize. While possessing a natural affinity for writing can take you far, us writers are nothing without input from those who read our work. Sometimes something makes sense in your head, but just doesn't when you get another perspective on it. I think that's what happened here. Congratulations to Enforced Bliss on his victory. It's been great. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: October 6, 2003 )

Wow.
I haven't quite bothered with others' crtisisms/comments yet, but personally, I foudn this fascinating. It's just all there and attentetive to itself as a poem. A great piece of work; loved the images. \m/

( Posted by: gaschamberblues [Member] On: October 8, 2003 )

Well Done
Whether it pertains to the topic as it was supposed to or not....there is some real good descriptions and tone. I think it worthy of an 8 of 10 for whatever it's worth.....

( Posted by: modified7 [Member] On: October 10, 2003 )

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