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Pressure mounts within my skull
I look up and see the skies are so dull
My spirits withers and turns to dust
I don't need to do this but I must, I must.
My soul is screaming and demands release
Until I see your eyes all else does cease.
Where are you, my wandering love.
Angels search from far above.
You heart is cold as are your lips
Evil in from your finger tips
There is no hope as I now see
the future that awaits is only for me
Forgive me now for what I do
For my heart must mend from mm from you.




Comments

The following comments are for " Screaming wonderment"
by happy little druid

So familiar . . .
Well. The title's a little off, isn't it? Does it have anything at all to do with the poem? lol. Screaming, sure. Wonderment?

Your work seems familiar to me -- it has a distinctly prarie vibe that I can't quite pin down just yet.

Oh well. Good effort. I intend to read more of your work as soon as it finds its way on to the site.

Yours in solidarity . . .

Word.

( Posted by: Boy Howdy [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

two lines...
Evil in from your finger tips...
For my heart must mend from mm from you...

these two lines i am not sure of, the first; is it meant to be like that? Evil in from..., Evil comes in from, or Evil seeps in from, something along those lines i think would suit better.
and the second, what's 'mm'? a typo? is it 'me'?

the piece on the whole is very graphic, and would therefore get the eight+ it deserves if it weren't for those misunderstandings.

( Posted by: man eating maniac [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

Confused
I left here wondering about the confusion. The poem seems to be about lost love, and a love/hate relationship (feelings towards the parner). However, it also smacks of desperation for love the narrator can not find. Which is it? both, none? A little more would perhaps have answered my question. And these didn't even arise until the middle of the poem, it took it's time to make it's point. Rather than to make it at the beginning and then either resolve, question or debate it. Again this is just structure/length. Lots of promise though, the works been put in and questions are raised for the reader to ponder.

( Posted by: Steve Murphy [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

I know, I know
I write for stress relief after a tough day student nursing. I had had one horrible day and a big fight with my significant other and out comes this! No wonder its so awful - its a picture of my churnign meotions and soggy brain!!!

( Posted by: happy little druid [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

"Screaming"
~Druid~
sounds like you have a "Connotation" here

Blessings

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

HUH??
I am not sure what you mean, Jeannie - connotion??

( Posted by: happy little druid [Member] On: September 25, 2003 )

iambs
I liked this, but got lost a few times because the flow seemed a bit disjointed...

a thought: perhaps if you changed the wording slightly so that it fit nicely into an iambic quatrameter (da-DUH da-DUH da-DUH da-DUH) the whole way through it might resolve it?

A mere suggestion,
Lu

( Posted by: Lu [Member] On: September 26, 2003 )





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