Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
7.33

(3 votes)


RatingRated by
4Unknown
8Unknown
10Unknown

You must login to vote

The place that I'm living in
Is the worst place I've ever been
But at least the roaches are some company

Harsh sirens in the dead of night mean
That somewhere somebody just might be
Having near as bad a time as me

And I know you think I'll blame it all on you
That's the sort of thing you think I'd do
You think I'll say it's all your fault
But I'm not saying that at all
'Cause what I am I owe to me but what I was
I owe it all to you

You thought your husband would be told
What just you me and my four walls know
When you told me not to call you anymore

You thought that I would break the faith
And throw it all back in your face
You thought I'd want to even up the score

..........................................

So this is, as I said, unfinished. I have one more chorus written but it truly blows - God I hate writing myself into a corner. I am going to be adding another pair of 3 line verses and 2 more chorusses as well as relegating the current second set to the end.

What I want to know is, is this lyric developing well-enough that it is worth continuing to work on? Opinions both good and bad are welcome. Thank you.


------
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem? / If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy? - The Bloodhound Gang Hell Yeah



Comments

The following comments are for "What I Am I Owe To Me... (working title and unfinished)"
by Enforced Bliss

Worth it
This is worth finishing, I think. It develops a clearly-imagined scene quite well, atmosphere and history and all. And the character -- you, perhaps -- is interesting enough that I'd like to see what else he has in mind, what he's thinking, and so forth.

Minor crit: the last stanza doesn't work for me. It doesn't have the same magnetic fascination that the others have, and I think it's the first two lines (I like the third). Those two seem out of place, routine cliches tucked away in an otherwise creative and novel whole.

So . . . please continue!

Word.

( Posted by: Boy Howdy [Member] On: September 21, 2003 )

yes, it's worth it.
Enforced Bliss, I don't know much about verse, but the last two stanzas are kind of iffy to me, but I see the title falls in with this part. I'm planning on opening up an artist's shop next year, maybe you will come for a visit and sing. Of course as long as it's not too raunchy, because then you would just scare my customers away. I'd wink but I don't think they have smileys on this forum.

Kimberly

( Posted by: kimberly bird [Member] On: September 26, 2003 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: