Martian Love Song
by Bartleby (Member) - published: September 9, 2003
Word Count: 208 Word Bytes: 1574 Viewed: 1581 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Bartleby

8.66

(18 votes)

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Stargazing
is nothing more than
a romantic dalliance to some,
but for the more arcane of spirit
it can reveal portents
if one knows where to look
and posseses the sinister
perception for the task.

I've become one of the latter.

Venus with its sodium glow
could have easily been our star,
at least in those early days
of countertop romance
and falling asleep
blissfully drunk
on the drum beat
of each other's heart.

But it was not to be.
Venus may be named
for the goddess of love
but age and familiarity
change her from amorous
to poisonous.

In restrospect,
I'd name Mars
our patron star.
Dry surface rife
with dessicated riverbeds
the only signs of life,
microscopic
at the frozen poles,
the ruins of that romance
crumbling into red iron dust
our memories
brittle with oxidation,
our once gentle language
grown harshly Bradburian.

Mars is more honest
than Venus.
war is hell
and makes no apologies
for the carnage.
Love is too fickle
too prone to the sudden shift
of loyalties,
unstable ground and the unexpected
pain of a back biting blade.

I'll sing my martian love song
with rust edged sword held high.
Love is war my friends,
but I'm too cold to die.

------
Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Martian Love Song"
by Bartleby

Voteage
Giving this one to rogan; he's got the touch this time around. Sorry for not voting with my usual 10 winner, 9 runner-up rules, I thought it was a one-man competition, so I already voted. Therefore I'll go by my normal voting style. This one got an 8. Would've been seven because of the typos, but I thought the message got good near the end. The last stanza especially. Though I feel the language bogged it down a little. Not to be mean, but the first stanza sounds like the extemporaneous musing of a love-struck high-schooler with a fantasy novel craze. Point is, just clean it up a little in the beginning, and run spell-check. Sorry for being the rain on the parade.

"I've become one of the later."
Latter.

"Venus with it's sodium glow"
Its.

"a romantic dalience to some"
dalliance

"with desicated riverbeds"
desiccated

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

God of War
Seeing as the topic is Mars. I suppose I will have to consider both equally. I only give one writer constant flak for typos and he knows who he is. I'm a little undermined by the writeoff problems at the beginning. All that being said.
Bartleby - your typos are excused simply because this poem has an etherial quality to it. The message in the poem is unique and I like that a lot. You extoll the virtues of Mars presenting them in an elegant yet reasoned way. 10/10

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

Mars
As usual, wonderful beautiful verse. Both of you are first rate poets. As beautiful as this poem is, I was swept away with rogans poetic vision and innovative style in his red planet poem. 9/10

Warmest Regards,
Bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: September 9, 2003 )

on spelling and the like
Washer~

I apologize for my horrible spelling on this one. I was without a spellchecker, typing a piece the computer ate from mostly memory. Keep in mind this was at work, just so I could get the damn thing in. I have corrected the mistakes you mentioned, and appreciate the time you spent commenting both for the positive comments and those few negative items.

~Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

meaningful
I reallylike how you fleshed out the topic Bartleby. It transendd what it started out as and became so much more. And the spelling errors...I was too involved in the piece to notice. I think that's what counts! =D 10/10

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 10, 2003 )

Divine
A wonderful piece, Bartleby, nothing short of the excellence I've come to expect in your work. An interesting way of looking at things as well, a tad bitter, a tad distant, and very close to the heart. I gave this one a 9/10. I felt the poem very much, though I have trouble believing that you are too cold to die *grin*.

I also realize I've been no help in deciding this Write Off. So be it, as said Achilles.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: September 10, 2003 )

Bacteria
I apologise to everyone, but this just wasn't to my taste.

I'm not sure why, maybe the language. Or maybe because I got lost in the musing and didn't quite understand the point.

That said, I did find the final stanza very powerful, and had you submitted only that, would probably have come out the winner in my book.

7/10

Jasmine

( Posted by: Jasmine [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

Love is a battlefield
As an admirer of your work, this one's odd to me. in some respects it's break away(otherworldly references) , in others it's old hat(love is a battlefield), and the melding of the two is an attempt that seems to work, but never moved me, so I'm a little conflicted with this one.
I think the first stanza is not a setup like it should be, and you could start with "Venus with its sodium glow should have been our star"
Tha's the setup, after all. I really do like the language here, and I think a nice trim and re-write would make all the differnce.

( Posted by: malthis [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

*Martian*
~Bart~
Interesting Martian Poem. enjoyed reading it, and I am going to vote for you and Rogan.

Blessings

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

battle rouge
Ahoy Bart!

Not only are you more prolific than I could hope to be in this lifetime, you have a way with words.
Seems that this time out, more people had positive things to say about my piece, but you get the edge on score. *shrug* I think you're the winner, however. It was a closely pitched battle, and fraught with difficulties -- I expected nothing less than an all-out eye-gouge of a competition and you certainly delivered.
This is the kind of feeling I wish I could express sometimes. The flow is wonderful, the expression is tense yet in the end you deliver a mean punch.

The way our poems interact is interesting .. A cynical treatise and a farmers monologue .. One from earth, one from Mars.

I agree, however, that Mars is our patron planet at this juncture. We've cried havoc, and the dogs of war are howling back at us.

Kan Pei! A 9/10 from moi.

( Posted by: Rogan [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

sorry I'm late
Joining the fray at the last minute, but I thought I'd throw in my twopence as well...

I liked the ideas behind this poem; the contrast between Venus and Mars, love and war, and all that, and the contrast between the planets and their images. Not new, but well done nonetheless.

Bu-u-u-ut... sorry, I liked Rogan's one better. Score 8/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: September 13, 2003 )

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