Threshed in Red Light
by Rogan (Member) - published: September 8, 2003
Word Count: 189 Word Bytes: 1134 Viewed: 1669 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Rogan

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I was laughing at all the hours spent in sweaty toil ...

{{

The breaking point of independence tilled from arid soil,
A sense of proportion filled me as I threshed in red light ..
Oh the day I taste a meal from these lands may never come;
Though I love my work on this fourth planet from the Sun.
Six hundred and eighty seven days, in which a crop to raise.
On rock red with iron, tortured by Sol's rays.

A process preformed by Human hands so far from home that it demands a sacrifice just as the Greeks and Romans did with their Aurochs in the Spring.

A sacrifice of my own blood,
Mixed with rust,
Produces love.

A love so true and encompassing that one day Mars will submit to me, becoming my consort in green. And then I will feast on the bounty of lean yet healthy plants, a Vegan repast.

Until that time comes to pass,
I work as no other has,
To tame a land.

}}

... When I realized that Mars does not breathe like Men, and all my crops were lost.

------
For once as I, in Heaven climbed
Too high for truth to truly see
My sunken mind, drunken and blind
Saw the lie: The fool was me...

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Comments

The following comments are for "Threshed in Red Light"
by Rogan

?
Rogan, the write-off message board has been blank for nearing a month. Was there a mistake? Haven't read the Parliament one yet, but I thought this was a good piece on terraforming. The brackets offput me slightly, and I'm still not entirely sure of their significance (Forgive my closed mind).

This stanza I thought detracted from the whole:
"A sacrifice of my own blood,
Mixed with rust,
Produces love."
It's probably just me, but it didn't maintain any of the rhymes, near-rhymes, barely there alliterations that were present throughout the rest.

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: September 8, 2003 )

PS (The Winner is Rogan)
9/10 from me.

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: September 8, 2003 )

the vote is in
nah! I think the winner is whoever wrote that parlaiment poem. Like it's political .. how cool is that?

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 8, 2003 )

The Red Planet
An excellant piece. I liked the bracketing which to me was the sandwich between the two pieces of bread. Man's dream of a green Mars, a new earth, created by the blood, sweat and sacrifice of daring visionarys like the character of this poem.

"I was laughing at all the hours spent in sweaty toil when I realized that Mars does not breath like Men, and all my crops were lost."

A wonderful poetic vision. If I have to choose between the two poems this one wins hands dowm. 10/10 from me.

Warmest Regards,
Bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: September 8, 2003 )

Jeez! Bob!
The one time when you can actually say they are both winners in your book .. and you don't! Poppycock! :-)

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

problems
Now with the change to the WriteOff submissions and there not being two poems from roganize this bothers me. Is there any way of resetting the scoreboard?

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

underway
I've noticed that the contest is underway and to reset would be impossible. Now that there is a writeoff between two admirable writers I am going to comment on this properly.
Your poem did not move me like Bartleby's did. Both of you made it easy to understand what the write off topic was. Your choices of how to address the subject were very different. This poem does not celebrate Mars. Perhaps it's that point most of all. I've already voted due to the mix-up but my score didn't change. 8/10

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: September 9, 2003 )

clarify
I need to clarify my last statement concerning "between these to poems this one wins hands down" I was referreng to your parliment poem, even though I enjoyed that as well,but Bartleys poem was beautiful as well and it wasn't a hands down slam dunk. I still stand by my vote, I thought this poem was breathtaking and deserved every bit of that 10. You kind of remind me of a young Goethe.

Warmest Regards,
Bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: September 9, 2003 )

{brackets}
I love your use of the brackets in this piece. The way it comes together is very ironic in the end. Awesome! 9/10

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 10, 2003 )

Admiration
I've come to admire your style, Rogan, and all its uniqueness. I can't say it's seeing, or believing, or telling or preaching, or even speaking, but among all others it stands alone, and that is well enough.
I gave this a 9/10, very well done.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: September 10, 2003 )

Red Weed
Weeds can bloom with the most baeutiful flowers, and Rogan, this is one of them.

I loved this, the irregular rhythm was very well handled.

I don't think I could pick a favourite line if I wanted to, but I loved the brackets and what they represented.

9/10

Jasmine

( Posted by: Jasmine [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

To tame a land
I know the very last line is popular with it's irony, but I think the piece is very noble until that point, and it left me a little sad. Otherwise I thought it was a very creative use of the subject. Good job.

( Posted by: malthis [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

*Red Light*
~Rogan~
Loved it. going to vote for yoy and Bart

Blessings

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

*fidget*
I'm glad to see that I am still well recieved when I choose to open my mouth.
I mean, it's not every day that I feel so strongly inspired. I had to put everything into this one, because Bartleby is a tough cookie ;)
So, I really appreciate all the buzz. As usual. I won't lie and say I don't enjoy hearing from people who enjoy reading my work, thin as it is.
I am humbled by Bartleby's entry, however. Truly a different approach to mine, and a good contrast!

To somewhat explain those brackets: I began writing, got about two stanzas in and said "This sucks!". The only lines worthy of keeping around were the first and last. What lies within the brackets is something of an inner monologue.
I'd spent three hours looking at Mars through telescopes of varying resolutions, and what impressed me the most was the southern polar ice cap. White on Mars?! It was fun, and moved me to write about the red planet.

'Cuz I firmly believe that Humans need to go there. Soon.

Again, thanks to all who voted and listened to my drivel ;)

( Posted by: Rogan [Member] On: September 11, 2003 )

red light district
Excellent job on this one paisan. I must admit way you handled the topic of the red planet didn't suprise me, so much as the artful way you bookended the monologue. A touch of brilliance I'd say.

This Write Off has been fraught with difficulty but I couldn't be happier with the results. Who would have thought we'd do so well with such an off the wall topic.

My hats off to you, paisan. I'm already looking forward to our next tilt at this particular windmill.

~Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: September 13, 2003 )

adventurous.
An unusual form, and you pulled it off with all your usual panache. Really interesting. I normally don't like weird punctuation in a poem, but in this one you've made it work so well that I just can't fault it. Good stuff. You've got my vote.

Score 9/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: September 13, 2003 )

Mighty Opposites
So maybe not completely opposite, but mighty nonetheless.

I just got word that it is you and I in the poetry write-off. Too cool.

You write well and you have skills. I respect you and that is what is going to make this so enjoyable for me.

Beating a lesser is no fun and losing to one is intolerable. Beating you would be an accomplishment and losing to you would be honourable.

Good luck :D

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: December 16, 2004 )

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