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WARNING - This story contains ALL kinds of harsh language and deals with a harsh subject and harsh themes. If you are likely to be offended read something else. If you read this anyway, don't expect an apology from me. To those who do read this, I hope you enjoy. Thanks
Elliott

"I walked out of the bar, The Silver Token if you gotta know, into the cool of 1 AM. No, I didn't have a fuckin' watch so yeah it could have been give or take 15 minutes.

"So anyway I walked out of the bar and she came up to me. Blonde, tall in high heels she couldn't walk right in - average without them. Nice tits; a decent handful and not too saggy. Yeah I could fuckin' tell man. I could tell because she wasn't wearing much more than a face cloth and a memory.

"So she comes up to me in late-night heat and says, 'Lonely hun?'.

"I thought about it for a second then said, 'No, but make me an offer'. I mean fuck it right? I wanted to get some and if I'd tried down the street I might have gone home alone. 'Sides the Fox wants too much for a beer.

"'You a cop? You have to tell me if you are.' She said.

"'No, I'm not and I wouldn't tell you anyway. How much?'

"No they fuckin' don't man. How do you think the street heat gets away with it? They don't have to say shit and even if they did it comes down to who the man in black is gonna believe.

"She told me 60 bucks straigh but I talked her down to 40. Shit yeah, I had $300 in my pocket but that's not the point. Never pay a whore what they ask man; if they'll fuck you for 60 they'll fuck you for 40. Why waste 20 bucks right?

"So she tells me her name is Charmane or Sherrane or some such shit and asks me if I got a place - all cooing at me and shit eh.

"Well. I wasn't gonna take her to my place - one bedroom and three other guys flaked out around. And I sure as fuck wasn't gonna spring for a hotel. 'No', I said, 'don't you?' She didn't like that.

"'Come on honey, you'vee got to sleep somewhere.' She says slidin' up on me and grabbin' at my scrote.

"'Yeah, I sleep with my fuckin' wife and she ain't that understanding. Either you've got a place or I find someone else.'

"She looked up and down the street and didn't see a single swingin' dick that didn't have a pair of tits in tow. She frowned and said, '50 bucks.'

"Fuckin' crack-whores man, always lookin' for an edge. 'Cuz I know alright! No, it couldn't have been junk. Because asshole, unless she'd been shootinmg it straight into her box I would have seen the tracks. I fuckin' TOLD you man she was wearing a band-aid and a smile - and I don't fuck pincushions.

"So I said, 'If you've got your own wraps I'll go 45 but if I gotta buy them I stay at 40.' She said she had her own so we settled on 45. Well fuck man I was drunk - and besides I was still 15 bucks up on the bitch. She didn't live too far away so I dropped a 5 on a cab.

"Man what a fuckin' dump! The steps outside were only half there and the front looked like an outhouse on a steroid binge. Fuck! The inside was worse. The drunks were fighting a losing battle against the roaches for hall-space. I mean my place fuckin' sucks man, but this place...shit.

"She took me down the hall a bit and openned a door so thin it may as well have not even been there. Before she let me in she asked for the money so I laid it on her because, where was she gonna go with it right?

"As soon as she turned on the light I noticed two things right off - the place was spotless man, I mean not spot fucking one and I noticed the crib in the corner. I wouldn't have noticed the crib except that the kid in it started fucking screaming as soon as we stepped in.

"I looked around man. The beat to shit lump she used as a bed was made. The dishes were done and sitting out to dry. There weren't no scraps of fuckin' brillo or pipes or tubes or nothin' man. Bitch might have been a lot of things but a crack-whore she wasn't.

"I couldn't put it together man, so I asked her, 'Why?'

"'Daniel's got to eat.' She said dropping the face-cloth and leaving the memory behind.

"Fuuuuck man, I mean, I looked at her and then I looked at the kid and, what could I do? I fucked her quick and got out of there even fucking quicker. You'd have done the same man, I mean the bitch already had the cash so I was getting laid but I had to make it quick - the kid wouldn't quit fuckin' bawling.

"What a waste of 45 fucking dollars."

------
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem? / If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy? - The Bloodhound Gang Hell Yeah


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Comments

The following comments are for "Saturday (Warning - adult themes, strong language and general ickiness)"
by Enforced Bliss

I'm wounded to the quick
But I'll recover ;)

( Posted by: enforced bliss [Member] On: September 6, 2003 )

Almost
I liked it till they get to her place and there's a kid and she says the kid's got to eat. Till that I thought it was interesting. Then I thought, damn, I saw this in too many tv movies and reader's digest stories. But it's worth working on, since the first 2/3 is fun stuff.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: September 6, 2003 )

I've been trying--
--to think of something at least 'kind' to say since I read this story this morning, but I can't. Like Penelope said, the subject's been "done to death", and it wasn't even written well, either.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: September 6, 2003 )

not what I'd expect from an elitist
You are not at top form in this piece, Elliot. It's a boring read, devoid of any interesting turns or twists. Reads more like a gritty Lifetime movie.

( Posted by: sub [Member] On: September 6, 2003 )

Hoo-ie
Viper - regardless its failing and they are there I doubt you read anything like this in a Reader's Digest - unless it has changed drastically since I was younger.

Elphaba - "...it wasn't even well written either". Okay, how was it not well written? What could I have done differently and where should I have done it? Is the whole thing crap or are there some semi-competent bits?
Don't try to say something kind about my stuff if you don't like it - I of all people should be willing to accept unkindness. Try to say something I can use.

Sub - It wasn't meant to have twists or turns - except that he didn't go all soft and squishy as Bob pointed out. It was meant as "gritty" type thing (not entirely sure what exactly a "Lifetime movie" would entail so I won't comment on that). Btw there are two t's in Elliott ;)

Bob - So how does it feel to be in the minority?
Thanks for the kind words.

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: September 6, 2003 )

In all honesty...
This is not my type of read as far as content, but I must say you have a talent. I found the piece smooth, no confusion as to who, what, where...if I am correct "first person narrative?", it's been a while since school. A rough style to use and use well. You pissed me off! I read it and I was pissed at that asshole! So in my opinion, you did a fine job. Just wish it was about something else.

( Posted by: scryer [Member] On: September 7, 2003 )

I shouldn't have...
...commented when I was pressed for time, EB.

"How was it not well-written?"-- You sacrificed a lot of description for the cussing, and the cussing wasn't descriptive at all. Now, I have no problem with cussing, and God knows without it in my life I'd be lost, but in this case, it read like someone who had no experience writing, and even though it's part of the character, it's... ah, you know what? I'm at a loss for words. Three's just a general feel of something being missing.

I know you've had a lot published here, and it's not up to what you actually can do.

Should I bother with the spelling and grammatical mistakes (no commas where there should be, periods where there should be commas)? I've read where you've said you can't spell. Are you only writing for yourself, or do you hope to someday be published? If you're writing for yourself, fine, but if you want to be published, a common thread of editors and agents is that they will not accept sloppy work. It doesn't matter if it's the next Great American Novel; if it's full of mistakes like that, they'll reject it.

And I'm retracting my last post: it wasn't *all* bad. Your description of the apartment building was good, nice touches like "front looked like an outhouse on a steroid binge", "The drunks were fighting a losing battle against the roaches for hall-space", and "a door so thin it may as well have not even been there". Those were very good. Most of the story read like it was someone who didn't really know how to write, but with descriptions like those, you really showed your imagination and experience.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: September 7, 2003 )

Elphaba et al
Penelope - This is the type of story that I hear daily. Sometimes it is hookers, sometimes it is dealers but yes they do "contemplate" it if for no other reason than to explain to themselves why they do what they do. Telling of a burn or bizarness is a form of bragging - albeit an odd one. The rest of your comments are more than valid.

Scryer - Thank you, it was meant to piss you (the collective as opposed to the individual you) off.

Elphaba - At last I come to you. As far as the grammar goes... ummm have you ever listenned to "street-people" talk? They use a variant that is less than the King's English. The whole thing is a narrative done in this voice so the grammarical mistakes are intentional. Where I feel I break done in this vein is when the grammar I use is too precise rather than not precise enough.

As to spelling, I have never claimed to be an atrocious speller but I do make my mistakes.

Where I admittedly fall down on a regular basis is punctuation. Believe me I have tried to fathom it but I can't seem to wrap my head around commas and their kin. More's the loss I suppose.

As to regularly getting published here... have you READ what gets "published" here? It is no great feat. No offense Chris and folk but a statement of fact.

Thank you for expanding on your earlier comment, I honestly do appreciate it.

Take care all - especially Elphaba;

Elliott

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: September 7, 2003 )

You're welcome...
for the expansion.

Sure, I've heard street-talk, and I understand that part of the dialogue. But since I've already left a long-winded comment, I'll leave it at that. ;)

AFA getting published, I was talking about books or stories that are published through publishing houses or magazines (and that's no offense to Lit.org-- I do love it around here). Should have clarified.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: September 7, 2003 )

don't hate me, I was born like this.
ok, following your rant on 'the 'N' word', I figured that I'd have a look through some of your other work. The poetry is competent - by which I mean that even if it's not to my taste I think that it's good (It's probably worth pointing out that if I don't have anything to say that I think is constructive then I usually won't bother to say it- call me a pessimist but I'm not really a fan of the mutual admiration societies).

But this.. I just don't see the point. It's like another abstract performance of Richard III that serves for nothing except to let the cast and director say they've 'done Shakespeare'. Unless, of course, you count the (once again) middle-class shock value as a point.

( Posted by: Lu [Member] On: September 28, 2003 )

Lu again
Man, I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't like my stuff too much. I could get to like this.

Consistently honest and reasonably well thought out (if sometimes imperceptive) comments are always more than welcome. They are the means by which a writer whets (yeah, I know) himself. Keep 'em coming.

As to your repeated contention that I write for middle-class shock value...well...ummm...you're wrong. But I'm not going to be able to convince you of that so I'm not going to bother trying.
(Pssst, btw to use "class" in this sense is both socially and economically insensitive - perhaps you should have said "the'C' word").

Thanks again Lu I look forward to hearing (as possibly reading?) more from you.

May you never thirst;
Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: September 28, 2003 )

just my two cents
I liked this piece, although I tend to like this kind of writing. I agree with Bob that the end was well done. I liked the plot. I found myself thinking about the topic you were discussing as I read. Good job in my book. =D

Although...I think something could be said for getting out of a cliche subject. I kept imagining "A Clockwork Orange". Perhaps that is my love of Stanlet Kubick thinking for me. *shrugs*

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: September 29, 2003 )

for fear of being a 'c' word:
*sigh* the world doesn't hate you, my dearest, and neither do I.

I actually think that your work is good, which you may be able to discern if you read back through my last post with the 'happy lenses' on your glasses. And I wouldn't be saying anything if I didn't think that you appeared big enough to take it on (there was no pun there).

The flattery dispenced with.

I'm not going to take up your point regarding my use of that particular 'c' word in any great depth, I'll assume that you were simply basking in your own wit. Suffice to say, where I come from the difference between making 25 grand a year and making 100 grand a year really is a little more than mystical cloud of fairy dust.

To my point regarding 'middle-class shock-value': if I didn't know anything about any of the subjects that this poem brings up, then I would probably like this piece. As I HAVE SAID I enjoy your use of language. But I've seen it, so it didn't have anything to offer me. Your moral seemed to be that people generally are weak and selfish and generally, well, suck. To someone that hadn't seen this situation play out this may seem like a new experience, and the piece has meaning. I already know that people suck, and I don't think that you added anything MORE to that.

Hence I say that you're not writing to the audience that has been there, you're describing a broad experience to a 'class' that hasn't, which, once more, I only bother to point out becasue I think that you are a beautifully talented human being, who has the capacity to do both.

I have done my best to reasure, please ensure that you are considerate enough to include the phrase 'Lu, you are not a bitch' on reply ;)

( Posted by: lu [Member] On: September 29, 2003 )

Of course...
You aren't a bitch Lu. I have no problem with taking relevant criticism and yours has proven to be consistently so.

I do believe that people are weak selfish and generally suck and that is a theme you will find running throughout my work. Btw this is a story, not a poem.

I don't write for an audience, I write for myself. If I get an idea for a story I write it and either like it and keep it or dislike it and scuttle it.

I'm glad that this was nothing new to you because I have never sen this personally. I've known hookers but I've never delved deep. If this is nothing new to one of your experiences then I take that as flattery - it must mean that I've portrayed it accurately and realisticaly.

Take good care Lu, be well and keep 'em coming.

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: September 29, 2003 )

Well...
I was a little suprised at what everyone had to say about this one. Well, honestly more than 'a little' surprised. I liked the position you took, and the lack of responsive dialogue. I felt rather in the place of the one being told the story, which was an interesting feeling. At first I didn't think anything interesting would come of it, but the style attracted my attention enough to warrant continuing. It seemed authentic and 'well-spoken', dare I use the term(you know what I mean).

One thing that threw me was the "face cloth and memory" style of comment. It seemed rather metaphoric, and slightly off-kilter with the rest of the commentary, a little too (let's be kind) deep, perhaps. Just a part that made me wonder.

Otherwise, I liked it. It was horrible to me subject-wise, so you achieved that goal, but the more techinical side was intrigued.

Maybe I just don't read enough stories about hookers, or watch enough Julia Roberts movies....

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: September 29, 2003 )

Middle Class Shocker
I can do without the plot twists...most middle classers who are hanging out in the burbs forget that their woman puts out twice a week to keep the big "C" roof over her head anyways.

I have always preferred Elliott's worst to many people's best. That said, his work is primarily a social commentary, usually filled with the awareness of first hand knowledge.

( Posted by: SOTA [Member] On: May 3, 2005 )





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