Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(5 votes)


RatingRated by
10Unknown
9Unknown
1Unknown
10Unknown
10Unknown

You must login to vote

Dance to the light.
As he enters the ballroom
Light seems to shift
Maybe itís an illusion he canít quite see?
Crystal light seen in shimmering change
Facets of a life that seem so strange
Mirrored reflection no time to muse on this simple pattern this timely ruse.
Don the motley become the fool in time with the music to twirl and whirl
With the music of life the symphony begins
Who will win who will lose?
He knows he has choice but which to choose?
So Many songs so many tune combining to reveal a cacophony of sound
That reveals itself in a picture so loud.
This is the dance in measure and rhyme and unending pleasure.
Does he choose to march to this unending tune?
Or does he walk away his life to resume?
As they sit and watch from heights unimaginable each piece moved.
To a game so intangible.
That only the masters can play this game
As they always have again and again
The king roars with laughter as he watches the fool
Walk away from the glamour the light and the room
To continue his life he thinks to resume.
They will wait and watch itís always the same
As a piece falls by the wayside itís only a game
That they play over and over again.





Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Dance to the light"
by gordon

Step away from the light
Okay, to begin with I'll hand out a modicum of praise - the idea is pretty cool and some of the images you've attempted aren't too bad. That being said...

This topic has been tackled countless times before (no need to quote Ecclesiastes to me - even it wasn't new when Solomon wrote it) and it has been done much better.

There is some ability evidenced in this, note I don't go so far as to say talent. There may be talent in you but not in this.

First nitpicking - "a cacophony of sound" by definition a cacophony is of sound - hence the "phony". To say a cacophony of sound is like saying an ocean of water - redundant and, may I say, repetitive ;)

"Maybe itís an illusion he canít quite see?" - If it is an illusion he can see it, again, by definition. Further this is a statement and thus does not need the "?"

"Does he choose to march to this unending tune?
Or does he walk away his life to resume?" This is awkward and clumsy and the need to the words rearrange jars. If you want a line to end with a particular word then work the line until it does, don't cop out and play mix and match.

"To continue his life he thinks to resume." remove "his" and replace it with "the". The line will flow better and it will make a little more sense. Not that this doesn't make any sense but read it and think and you'll see what I mean.

As they sit and watch from
heights unimaginable each
piece moved. / To a game so
intangible. / That only the
masters can play this game /
As they always have again
and again

This excerpt perhaps best exemplifies the weaknesses I see here. The problem begins with the second line on into the fourth.

"In a game so intangible / That only the masters can play it", what mastery can overcome intangibility? And, if by this piece you mean the "game" is poetry - as I assume you do - then this site alone should prove that not only masters play it but that only masters play it well.

"As they always have again and again" This line screams out, "Help I need a rhyme and I don't know where to find a helpful one". If you can't rhyme a line, change the damned thing or work until you can. Throw away lines like this hurt your piece and your audience.

These are some points which I mean you to take and extrapolate to the whole. The whole piece suffers from some very fundamental flaws which are correctable - not easily mind you, but doable.

Sorry to contradict dear, dear Penelope but while this is some ability shown here it is not a laudable piece.

Peace.

Elliott

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: August 30, 2003 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: