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I've got it. I finally figured it out. Once I did, I realized that there was a boatload of literature and commentary that had been saying the same thing for years now...but it took ME this long to get it. And it took a truly godawful horror movie to hammer it home.

You see, one night, I picked my sorry carcass up and drove off to the local MegaMultiPlex to see Jason vs. Freddy. Why? Hell, I don't know. I had nothing else to do on a Friday night... and dammit, I was curious. So I went.

Before the feature started, there were previews for several upcoming horror movies...and folks, I've got to say, if this is all we have on the horrizon (*groans from the peanut gallery*), we're in for a sorry-assed fall movie season. And why the hell is Christopher Walken doing comedy?

Anyway. The movie. Yes, the movie. There are good things about this movie.

Good things: They bother to give Freddy a past. They bother to give Jason a past. There are some characters who are likeable, and also played by good actors. Freddy is occasionally eerie. Um...the special effects were decent?

Now that we have that out of the way...

Bad things: Freddy may be a bit eerie early on, but he quickly turns into a pun-hurling, grinning cliche. Um. Jason, as far as I can tell, differs very little from his traditional walking buzz-saw mode, so you know exactly what to expect with him. Yes, he comes complete with the 'Ha-a-a...Ch-ch-ch sound effects every Friday the 13th afficionado is familiar with. And YES: There is at least one shot of a trio of skip-roping girls singing "One, two, Freddy's coming for you..." Um. The dialogue is bad. Not awful, but solidly bad. The acting is variable, running the gamut from atrocious to halfway decent. Problem is: Remember the characters who I mentioned as being well-acted? They're all killed off. All of 'em. The two main characters, both of whom could have been pulled from ANY teen slasher flick made in the last twenty years, are both as bland as walking Abercrombie and Fitch ads. Ick.

But all of this is to be expected. The one major thing I did have a problem with: There are times in this movie where- unsurprisingly- blood sprays. But, ye gods, it's thin! Light shines efortlessly through it! It looks like water with a couple drops of red dye! How long must horror movies continue to have inferior, watered-down blood? And THAT brings me back to my original topic, which was:

The revelation. Ah, yes.

It came to me near the middle of the movie, during a point where Mr. Vorhees had been rendered unconscious (don't ask), and thus fallen into Mr. Kruger's world. Naturally, in the world of dreams, Mr. Kruger is invincible. For the most part, so is Mr. Vorhees. So...

It was during a scene where Mr. Kruger is flinging Mr. Vorhees around this industrial factory-locker-boiler room with his mind...'cause he can do that, you know, and because, as I've said, Mr. Vorhees (the undead juggernaut mindless killer) is, uh, 'dreaming'. Mr. Kruger is really enjoying himself, too, and he begins to fling Mr. Vorhees from pipe to pipe and pillar to pillar with increasing speed, until he looks like a pinball- and sounds like one too, as pinball sounds start to come up out of nowhere. Then Mr. Kruger drops Mr. Vorhees to the ground, says (I am not making this up) "Oops...tilt!", and mentally entices a huge, heavy cauldron (the type often used for holding liquid metal) to fall on Mr. Vorhees.

Mr. Vorhees gets back up. Mr. Kruger, annoyed, says "Why won't you die?!"

...but by this point, I was too busy realizing.

Ye gods, this is EXACTLY like those old cartoons I used to watch! Y'know, Droopy Dog and Bugs Bunny, and the terminally unlucky Wile E. Coyote. Okay...not exactly like, but bloody close (no pun intended). They're just all grown up and perverted now. Freddy, with his wisecracks, and his 'puppet master' attitude is not so unlike the Bugs Bunny of old, and Jason...uh...well, okay, so the analogy isn't exact, but you get what I mean. I don't honestly believe for a minute that people went to see Freddy vs. Jason to be scared...I you?

I'm not sure if this is a review or a social commentary, but...

If it is a review, I give Jason vs. Freddy 5 out of 10, and urge anyone who likes these kinds of movies to go see it. As Nightmare on Elm Street / Friday the 13th movies go, it's a cut above the rest.

If it is a social commentary: What the hell? *scratches head in confusion*

Favorite Quote: "The rules of reality are, like, being broken here!"

Best Scene: Uh...

Things that Make You Go "Wha?": Jason spurting red water. The ravers who just stood there. An undead juggernaut sleeping...and dreaming. The fact that the fake drug invented for the movie, 'hypnol', is actually accurately named, since it is designed to supress dreaming, and in classical mythology, Hypnos was the god of dreams. Weird, huh?

"Quit this world, quit the next world, quit quitting!" -Sufi proverb.

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The following comments are for "Bugs vs. Daf- I mean, uh, Jason."
by Beckett Grey

cut above the rest.
Very good review. A cut above the rest, if you'll pardon the pun. You managed to make it so much more than a movie review. You could have just ranted about the acting and the plot and the effects, but you've written something genuinely entertaining in it's own right, and also given me something to actually think about if I go see the movie.
Excellent. 9/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: August 25, 2003 )

re: well...everyone, really
Thank you very much for the comments- and for that matter, for taking the time out of your lives to read my wanton scribblings :)

( Posted by: Beckett Grey [Member] On: August 25, 2003 )

re: rogan
I want to, man, I really do...but at this point, I feel like a Johnny-Come-Lately (or an Orlando-Come-Lately? *groans from the peanut gallery*). Maybe when it hits video...that'll give me an excuse.

( Posted by: Beckett Grey [Member] On: August 29, 2003 )

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