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2/8 pr.4
"...I'm so glad he's in my life. It was never complete without him..." Felicity wrote in her journal. She sighed and smiled and stared dreamily out the window. The bell rang and Felicity picked up her books and waited at her desk for Beth.

"What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. Just dreading chorus next period. I can't stand those stupid eigth graders!"

Now that they were high, mighty sophomores, Felicity and Beth were much too sophisticated to interact with the likes of measely eigth graders.

"Well I'll give you that. I wouldn't want to spend an hour in the same room with those losers."

They walked slowly down the hall jam-packed with kids talking, yelling, and shoving. A small girl, looking horribly confused, accidentally bumped into Felicity. She felt bad for the girl, so Felicity flashed her a quick, friendly smile and continued walking.

"...So if I get the blue dress, I'll have to get blue shoes. But if I get the purple dress, I"ll have to get black shoes and I already have enough black shoes. What do you think?" Beth had been speaking a mile a minute about the Junior prom she was going to with her boyfriend Jake since the two of them had left Geometry class. They were now reaching Beth's locker where they had to part ways.

"Oh, uh, I don't know. Let me think about it and I"ll let you know in Biology."

"K, bye!"

Felicity smiled to herself and shook her head. Beth was always getting worked up about something. Felicity continued down the hall to her locker, smiling and waving to her friends as they passed. She opened her locker and a single white Lily fell out onto the floor in front of her. Again, she smiled to herself knowing that it was from Jon.

"You're lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend."

Felicity ooked up, startled. "Oh!" She let out a quiet laugh at her own surprise. "Hi, Laura. He is great, isn't he?"

"The most I ever get from Erik is a not askign if he can borrow five bucks."

The both of them laughed as Felicity dumped her math books into her locker and closed and locked it. They continued to chat as they proceeded down the hall, around the corner and beyond the cafeteria, in the direction of the auditorium. As Laura reached for the door, someone pushed it open from the other side, hitting her in the face. Laura lost her balance and flucg her arms out to try to catch herself and sent her books and purse flying in all directions. She fell flat on her back as the person from the other side of the door, Karen, dove to catch her. This left Karen and Laura laughing in a heap on the floor as Felicity stood aside pickled between whether to laugh or help. After laying in the hallway for almost five minutes, the girls thought it mught be a good idea to head into class before Mr. Cuocollo got suspicious.

So, Felicity, Laura, and Karen wandered into class and took their places on the risers. Mr. Cuocullo led them through the routine voice warm-ups. "Do. Do, re, do. Do, re, mi.." and so on they went until the bell rang indicating lunch.

Lunch came and went and the fifty chorus kids flooded back into the auditorium. And, like he did ever day, Jon ran down the center aisle and met Felicity at the piano.

"Hi, hunny."
"Hi."
"Is everthing okay?"
"Lissie, we need to talk," he replied somberly.

Felicity felt her face go red and her whole body felt overheated. She forced the bad thoughts she was having out of her head and smiled. "What's up?"

"We've been going out for a LONG time..."
"Yeah..."
"Well," Jon hesitated. Felicity looked at him with the innocent eyes that used to turn him to vapor. "Lissie, I don't think we should anymore."

Felicity grimaced liek she'd just seen something that nauseated her. She inhaled deeply. "Um, what?"

"I said, I don't think we should date anymore." And he gave her that look; that look that melted her heart and made her know he was the one. She wanted to laugh because she was sure he was just pulling a prank. Why would he have left her a flower otherwise? And she wanted to cry because she couldn't wake herself up from the nightmare she was having. Suddenly, she felt completely detached. She watched herself turn and glide across the room, up the stairs, out of the auditorium. Felicity watched herself float down the hall to her locker and unlock it.

"Well, I have English homework and Latin too." She slowly picked up the books she needed and reclosed and locked her locker. Then she was floating again, this time the opposite way from which she had come. Felicity saw herself go down two full corridors and stop halfway down the third. As she turned left into the nurse's office, her being came into one again and she couldn't think clearly. What was she here for again?

"Can I help you, dear?" asked the secretary.
"Uh..."
"Dear?"
"Can I call my mother?"
"Why?"
"I just need to."
"Alright, then."
Felicity dialed her mother at work. "Mama?"
"Hi, Lissie. Is everything okay?"
"Will you come get me?"
"Why? What's wrong? Are you sick?"
"No, Mama, I just really need to go home."
"Well, Felicity, I'm not going to leave work early unless you give me good reason."
"MUM! JUST PLEASE COME GET ME!" And she hung up. "Can I wait here until my mom gets here?" Felicity asked the flabberghasted nurse.
"Oh, sure," she replied.

Felicity walked slowly to the back of the office and plopped into a chair at a small square table. For a moment she just stared into space. Then she picked up her book and started reading, but the words didn't go past her eyes. A single tear ran down Felicity's cheek just as a strikingly beautiful woman was walking by.

"Sad book?" she asked.

Calmly, Felicity looked up at the long, curly, auburn hair, the clear green eyes, and porcelain skin that made up this woman. "No," she said, her face expressionless.

With that, she clasped her hands over her heart and keeled over, falling off the chair. When she hit the floor, the Lily she'd grasped just before fell out of her hand and the woman smiled and disappeared just before Felicity's eyes closed. She lay on her right side, the arm underneath outstretched, dead.




Comments

The following comments are for "Lily"
by Salt-Ann

Contrived
I fear I will come off sounding very supercilious and high-handed with this criticism, but I think the story could be a lot better. For example:
"She picked up her book and started reading, but her eyes did laps to no effect."
(Okay, bad example.)

Not a lot of people go for the lovers' death scenario anymore, too traditional or something. I liked that you had the guts to go for the fallback. Only, why did it have to be so disappointing?

While I am by NO MEANS a fan of Shakespeare, I did feel attached to the characters when I read Romeo & Juliet. Their deaths were meaningful, significant to the overall theme of death and foreboding, etc. etc. This one just seemed like you were going for emotional strong-arming. Also, you mention that a single tear ran down Felicity's face. Cliches of a nature this obvious, overdone are bad in my opinion. They have no real effect. They don't slap you in the face. Try something really striking, some literary effect not put to good use.

Lastly, you mention that a strikingly beautiful woman walked past. This might just be the man in me talking, but why bother mentioning she's strikingly beautiful, unless she has more purpose than one line?

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: August 20, 2003 )

I'm Confused!
I'm confused. Why mention the woman who passed by, (with a sly smile ) if she had nothing to do with her death. Speaking of that, what did she die of? The blow she received at the swinging door earlier...was she injured? etc. I'm assuming you meant to convey she died of a broken heart...too sophmoric these days. What you have here is an outline, rather than a complete story. Why not rework it and see what you can come up with and re=submit.

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: August 20, 2003 )

Thanks
Thank you both for your comments. I realize that, yes, my themes probably are a bit "sophomoric" as you put it. Which is fitting because I was a sophomore when I wrote this piece. Also, I was afraid no one would understand the strikingly beautiful woman. Yet another cliche I felt compelled to add, she was an angel. So thank you both for your suggestions. I will try to heed them in my next attempt.

( Posted by: Salt-ann [Member] On: August 21, 2003 )





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