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Ever since I could remember, I can remember that I never really heard a curse word in my life. Until I was about 12, in 6th grade, where it was cool to curse. I mean ďf*ckĒ was the one word that was in every sentence I had to say. It was like, ďGeez, that was so f*cking cool! He just hit the teacher with the f*cking gum!Ē This also was the critical part in life where I believe in suicide was the only answer out in life. I think this is also the point where I stopped going to church, my mom lived in Hawaii, and I was living with my dad in Virginia and at my momís house with her fiancťe. I became easily infatuated with a lot of my guy friends that werenít black. But still some that were black, and I was obsessed with anime, manga, and everything that was Japanese. It was a bit weird because I was one of the very few Asian people who went to Spratley Middle School. I am a Korean girl, but of course, no one there really knew my nationality so they called me ďChineseĒ or ďJapaneseĒ but mainly ďChinese GirlĒ was my nickname for years.

Suicide first came to mind when I was in 6th grade when my dad settled in with my step mom, they didnít like my mom that much so they caused a lot of problems for her and even got my sister and me involved. It became such a nuisance and it made me depressed, that I just lived with my momís fiancťe, which I called ďapaĒ in Korean meaning dad. Which was relatively easier. Ever since my mom left I was sexually molested in my sleep and my ďapaĒ did it. But I didnít want to go back to my dadís either, because I felt so uncomfortable there and it made me want to cry every time they talked about my mom like she was the devil herself. My three stepbrothers were really nice to me, but still they really didnít like my mom either. They referred to her as the ďbitchĒ because my step mom did. I found it easy to fall into suicide. Iíd take the knife to my throat and slightly cut a little, and then I chickened out. I got too scared. So instead I just put up with the sh*t, but always regretted not saying anything. Even now Iím still too afraid to speak up, because I donít want to hurt anyoneís feelings. So until the end of 7th grade I put up with it, but I had my best friend to help me. Was also the point in my life, where I drank, and cigarettes were nice. She came over a lot, so it kept my ďapaísĒ hands off me too. Until about the summer of 7th grade I moved out with my mom. My sister and I did. It was a good feeling. A feeling to start over and to be renewed.

School was hell for me here at first. 8th grade was too easy, I had to repeat algebra, because this 8th grade didnít have or support geometry, which was what I was suppose to go to. I changed my image, a lot, from street hip-hop to gothic punk. I loved black, and I listened to heavy metal and rock music more than ever. It was to make me feel like a new person. I wore those baggy pants and safety pins that you know your parents would hate to see on you. I missed my best friend in Virginia, but I knew it was ok; I could always talk to her. It was something different here for me. Most of the people here were Asian and Hawaiian, or from some Polynesian place. I even retired to a new nickname. I took so many classes I had already taken in 6th, 7th grade that I felt miserable. I had no friends for months. I tried many times. But it ended up I was silent as I was in Virginia, so I decided to change that and speak up. So I was wild, I changed to be wild. I made friends with people I didnít even like but I found someone I did like. She became my new best friend. She was really close to me. Iíd tell her everything. Her style was a bit different, she dressed like she was trying to hide something. But after the summer past, I found her to be. Ever changing like me. And I loved her for it.

Cutting myself became something I did easily. But barely did it. But I did become depressed, when I found that my dad was getting sick a lot. I started to really like guys that were actually depressing, or in need of companions or relationships, whoíd lack completely in girls and ever having a girlfriend, but werenít those people you avoid, but knew only as friends. I went out with the sweetheart guy. That was my best friendís ex-boyfriend. In actual life, he went out with most of my close friends that it was funny. But his best friend ended up going out with my best friend. But he liked me. I felt bad for her. So I didnít talk about it. But eventually we broke up, he was too sensitive, and I felt so cold towards him. I also went out with this guy that made me feel alive, but then ended up annoying me in the end. So now were good friends, and heís still a bit immature, but I still love him for that. I realized that, I could actually have a lot of guys, but I felt that I couldnít have anything better than what I did have.

High school was a big difference. It was something more like, I found a lot of friends who were gothic punk and loved me because of that. Being freshman was a bit of an experience but something I learned was one of the biggest parts of life. McKinley High School, Tiger Pride, something I didnítí get into. This was the year, that was suppose to be the last and I was to go back home to Virginia. My best friend was in the same class as mines, but I also made another best friend and a lot of guy friends. This was the year I cut myself constantly. Even in class, it made me feel calm. Heavy metal and emo was something that kept my mind in check. I had truly fallen in love with my native language, but canít speak it much if my life depended on it. This was the time I drank a lot too and smoked cigarettes. I went to clubs at night on weekends and I didnít really do my homework. Suicide was easily thought of. I had cut down a lot though, as I went along with school. When I was 15, after a couple months of my birthday. I lost my virginity to some guy, that I had the biggest crush on, and still make my catch my breath. It wasnít something I did out of love, but more of pressure, since everyone was losing it. It wasnít a beautiful experience, more along the lines of painful. He was a virgin too, but still didnít lessen the pain. I started dating guys at least the age of 17 to 21, but barely was sexual. Just the basics of kissing and holding.

I loved clubs, I havenít done many drugs though, but I drank until drunkenness a lot. It was something that made people like me in clubs, because I always looked stoned or somewhat. I did go out with this one club guy; he was a roller, or an ecstasy user. We did have sex, which I deeply regret; it was something like I didnít know what to do but fall into the peer pressure. We broke up, because I didnít want to see him anymore. He was hurting me from the inside, and using me. I hated him for that, but Iím still friends with him. Trance, techno, and rave music were really close friends of mines. Had to listen to it at least once a day. I still wore baggy clothing, but started to wear tight close, wanted to look sexy. But I couldnít quite explain why. Iím still shy of my body, I feel as if it were fat. And I know itís not. I even fell into bulimic habits, but I quit that after a couple months, it made my eyes red, and messed up my contacts, like shift them. I did confess that I to my mom about my step dad, and I felt shamed. But I did cut a lot.

Summer after 9th grade, another of my really close friends in Virginia came to visit me, you could say he was a best friend. I feel into a lot of drinking then, I hung out with a lot of druggie friends, still. I picked up triple cís, which is a type of cough and cold medicine. Itís legal, but you have to abuse it by overdosing the pills, but it made it worse than ecstasy but frying your brain more that ecstasy could. My best friend went to California to visit her mom, it was sad, a lot of my best friends were doing something, like summer school, or I never went to go see them. Because I was too lazy and I didnít want to do much. I didnít see much of my school friends, but a lot of my club and drug friends. Became obsessed with counter strike the game. Decided to do a lot but never go to it. I cut a bit more deeply than usual, but I stopped quite a bit. I changed my clothes a bit more, I wore tight spandex pants, which I wanted to look appealing, even wore eyeliner, now a days. I went out with this one guy, but we werenít working out well. Actually not at all, we barely talked; he talked to everyone but me even if I made an effort to try. It never worked out. So we ended up breaking up the day before we made a month, but I still miss him, even though I was taken from granted, were good friends. He still makes my heart ache. I smoke cigarettes quite a bit now.

I drown myself in music; I canít find comfort in my friends anymore. Itís so depressing; that I feel desperate to find a way to feel belonged once again. I want to change so much that itís sickening. I want to be different. To be different. To be anyone but me. So I changed but it wasnít for the better. More like for the worse. I remind myself of some of the best guys I went out with, but sometimes I also remind myself that itís not something I let myself completely go.



The following comments are for "young and confused"
by xrancidtwinkiesx

eye opening.
I have to say I'm completely astounded. Amazed even. This is a shocking, raw and edgy piece of writing. Some truly painful events, but written in such a matter-of-fact tone. I have no doubt that it's all true too, which also adds a large element of bravery to writing it and posting it on a public web site.

Since this is a writing site, I feel I have to point out the grammar - there are a lot of errors - but somehow it doesn't matter; there is a power in the writing that simply smashes throught that barrier.

Normally, a peice of writing with this many grammatical errors would get a score of around 4/10 from me, but I'm going to give this one 7/10, simply on the strength of the writing.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: August 3, 2003 )

What a powerful piece. I read it like it was candy for devouring. Mandy if you did go threw all of this you will be ok. If you made this all up then you have an astounding imagination.

( Posted by: lovesessence [Member] On: August 5, 2003 )

hey amanda
ok amanda i remember ufrom way back when i remember hangin out at yur house creepin around 2 get 2 the fuckin trampoline lol well this isn't yur comment this is for white boy up there what the fuck who takes the fuckin time 2 analize every fuckin gramatical fuckin error dumbass mutha fucker hows that for grammer

( Posted by: brettfromspratley [Member] On: August 12, 2003 )

...dude...come back to school. I miss you. Or maybe I'll just "break in" to your apartment like I used to do...

That kind of made me cry. But not because your words hurt, because you were honest. *hugs* Gomen for the seriousness/sad comment. Good work.

( Posted by: chaosdreams [Member] On: August 22, 2003 )

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