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Based on a true story.
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The big-boss had a habit of sending threatening emails to all his managers when he was angry. They would have ignored him, except that they knew he would carry out his threats.
The latest big-boss email had read:
"This company has a productivity problem. That means that you have a productivity problem. The parking lot is empty when I arrive at 8am. And it is empty when I look out of my office window at 4pm. I expect you to fix this or I will fire you. You have two weeks. Tick. Tock."
*
Johnson was a nervous manager who had a habit of tugging on his ears when under pressure. He was ambitious, hard working and he read all the management textbooks he could get his hands on. He even had plans to write one of his own when he retired.
His staff thought of him as a sycophantic nerd. They avoided him, and when confronted they tried to avoid telling him what was going on. He was deluded enough not to notice, and thought of himself as a leader. He knew what he had to do to fix the productivity problem. He had read a book about it. It was all about motivation.
"What are we here to do, team?" he punched the lifeless air, and inspected his demeanour in the mirror. 'A little more tooth in the smile,' he thought to himself, 'and just a little more punch in the vocals. One more time.'
"What are we here to do team?" he punched the lifeless air. 'That's it. Perfect'. The next day Johnson would unveil his team's new mission statement:
"Providing excellence in a centrally coordinated document management function."
It had a ring to it, and he knew it would get his team fired up.
*
Jackson was a different kind of manager. Jackson drank with his staff, and looked after them. When they needed time off to go to the kid's school, or look after a sick mother, he would give it to them without asking when they would make up the time. He had earned the trust of his team. As soon as he received the email, he printed it and put it on the wall on his team's notice board. Everyone knew the big boss was a monster, so they all agreed to spend a few weeks working overtime in the coffee room.
*
Thompson was more of a loner. He had come up through sales, and did whatever was necessary to get ahead.
It was Thompson who really saved the company, and the managers' careers. Thompson did nothing until exactly two weeks after the big boss email had been received. On the day of the deadline he spent his lunchtime in the parking lot going from car to car, slashing the tyres on one; siphoning the fuel from another; severing the throttle cable on a third.
By the time he had finished, the company's productivity problem had been solved.
*
At 5pm, two weeks after his first email, the Big Boss sent a second email, which read:
"Congratulations. I see lots of people are working late tonight. I knew you guys could do it. It's people like you that make this company great."
© 2003 Eric Watkins
All rights reserved
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Funny
