Dear Everyone Who Works in the Financial District,
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You guys order food like 5 times a day, and your average tip is around $1.26. Can we talk about this for a second? Here are some things I’d like us to consider:
1) Ya’ll crashed the economy
2) Ya’ll got bailed out and continued making huge stacks of money
3) Note: HUGE STACKS OF MONEY
4) Seems like ya’ll were pretty ungrateful about the whole thing. Like, I seem to recall hearing interviews on This American Life in which the prevailing attitude was “Well of course we got bailed out because you had no choice” and “Of course it’s fair that we still get enormous bonuses because everyone would do what we do if they could, but we are the ones who landed these jobs, and we landed them because we are the best, so yes, we deserve that.” And of course I don’t remember anyone being like “Oh wow we totally made idiots of ourselves with those CDO things whoops sorry everyone.”
5) Given all that, and given your huge stacks of money, is it too much to ask that you not be consistently the worst tippers in the entire city? Like, okay, some of you are going to be bad tippers, that is normal. But every single time any one of you orders food to one of your crazy ostentatious offices that makes you feel super important, you give a tip that is so bad as to be insulting, a tip that says “Hey bro, you should pretty much just bring me stuff for free because you’re not a super special snowflake like I am. And I know that I make an enormous amount of money and could more easily afford to pay you fairly than many others, and I know that to me the difference between a mere $5 on my $60 order and the $0.98 I’m actually going to give you is utterly negligible, but even so, it’s important that I take this opportunity to shit on you a little bit just to make it clear how little I think you are worth, to make it clear that you deserve nothing, that you have no purpose beyond bringing me food and that you deserve nothing for your time, you know, unlike me, a guy who helped tank the economy.”
6) Your district also has by far the highest incidence of road rage. What the hell, guys?
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Thanks for reading!