Write Off: Among Worlds
by northerain (Member) - published: July 13, 2003
Word Count: 54 Word Bytes: 430 Viewed: 1264 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by northerain

6.73

(15 votes)

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i always keep
an open window
in my room

like an open portal
to worlds beyond
my grasp

rarely does my mind
venture in the
fields beyond

but some nights
when the moon shines
an eerie light

i find myself
willing to risk
a fall

among these worlds
these fields
or down to hell

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Comments

The following comments are for "Write Off: Among Worlds"
by northerain

simple
Nice dreamy feeling to this. I get the sense of sitting by the window, dreaming about the world outside.
The flow seems a bit off in places, though - the formatting and the flow early on made if feel like some of the later stanzas had a word or syllable too many. Not entirely sure; it just felt slightly off to me.

Score 7/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

my room
I like the dreamy quality to the poem, but I found it to be somewhat choppy in places. The flow was a little off-key. The last line is a little bit jarring, it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. The poem felt rushed, but all in all a good poem, screaming for a rewrite. As for the contest, I'd place it fourth, only because of that misplaced last line.

Warmest Regards,
Bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: July 14, 2003 )

eerie light
Hey Bob .. Misplaced last line? *hrmph* Just 'cuz the man has the gumbies to mention the Unholiest of Unholies, you gotta dock him? For shame, Bob. For shame ;)

northerain: As far as poetry goes, I'd say you've got a knack but need to polish it up. I know I'm no paragon of good taste, or even good style, but there's just no meat in the poem. It's quite flighty, as I see it.

Not to in the least way detract from your effort, sir! The fact that you compare open windows to portals makes up for the lack of any real direction. Most good poems branch from a good comparison.

Kan pei!

( Posted by: Rogan [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

down to hell
I agree with Roganize that you've got talent, notherain.
You had a fairly consistent style, and that helped. the last line was a bit misplaced, but not drastically so. With the semi-fluid airy quiality the poem had, the last line stood out because of its seriousness and the extra syllable. It was like a punch without power, which merely makes someone uncomfortable as opposed to making them go 'oof'. I think that's what earned the comments. Building up heat in poetry, expecially one with the limited wordspace of this one, is difficult, but I'm sure that if you tried you could without a problem.

Good job

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

my room
This is sparce and bare but flows well. Dreamy.
I liked the ending cause it woke me up.

roganize, I'm sure glad you didn't throw darts at my poems or I'd still be hiding under my bed.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

lovely
your poem has an ethereal and mystic feel to it. i can feel myself sitting by my window, looking out on a cool night watching the moon and stars. it's quiet and light.

everyone seems to be focusing on the last line. i actually like it. i see it as a statement of fact. a mind that rarely ventures; but when it does, it follows whatever path without fear.

i really loved the poem.

( Posted by: nightshade [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

poetry
Poetry is not really my baag, baby, however this is pleasant enough. Probably benefits for the shift at the end.
Thank you.

( Posted by: Delgesu [Member] On: July 17, 2003 )

Stuff Direction!
I like this dreamy poem just the way it is, yknow! I'm kinda glad that it doesn't lead anywhere because if it did, it would lose what makes it readable. The style - well, i've read it through a few times and each time i've read it differently, either choppily or flowingly. I think its one of those poems that relies heavily on how the reader reads it through on whether it flows successfully. But all in all, I prefer it to some of the lengthier, more hyperbolised opposition. Simple yet effective. Good poem.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: July 19, 2003 )

The Last Line
As an aside, I quite like the last line. You may not think it, all of you, but it suits the poem quite well. It's not meant to have major impact at all, in my view, but more a meandering of the mind - read it in an airy tone and it flows so much better. I reckon that line works just as well as the rest of the poem.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: July 19, 2003 )

Urm...
It is properly efficient with words and is well organized but is not very communicative. There's not much depth here to plumb. :(

( Posted by: the alienist [Member] On: July 22, 2003 )

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