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7.27

(18 votes)


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8poetrygill1

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the window is open
curtains shift in a breeze
an odd odor wafts through
no kids in the streets
no cars bleeping horns
phone isn't ringing
our tv is off
the window is open
not a single pane broken
intact though dusty
i sit in the corner
only the beige sky
can't see the ground
the window is open
i hear my heart beating
feel my hair growing
so very quiet
feel cold inside
the window is open
baking asphalt
no hot dogs today
i feel dizzy
the window is open
city is quiet
maybe i'll look
the window is open
the screaming has stopped

the window is open


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nightshade || webmistress
candelabra productions
http://www.candelabra.org



Comments

The following comments are for "Write Off: after"
by nightshade

open
Sorry, nightshade; I felt this was the weakest of the four poems in the contest. I think the lack of punctuation or stanza breaks hurt it particularly; I kept missing the points where I should be pausing.

I was going to score the four poems in order, but I can't bring myself to give you a score as low as 6 - it's too good to do that to you - so I'm going to tie you in third with northerain on 7/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

Nice
This poem's distinction is the ability to convey its mood very well. The style helps add to the quiet, hot, hazed feeling nicely. All in all, I would say there were only two or so lines that seemed to stand out as out of place, but they hardly merit docking points. I will say that I liked your repetition, it ties the otherwise random imagery together and shows that you know what you're doing. However, you may have inserted it one too many times, creating a disturbing ripple of urgency in your otherwise placid poem. Though that may have been what you wanted, it might have been a tad to sudden.
But you did do a good job on this one.

-Kitten-breaks-windows-with-rocks

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

after: revealed
i seem to have confused a few people =) here's the lowdown.

the poem is about a lone survivor after a nuclear holocaust. i was actually going to call it 'after the holocaust', but i didn't want something so obvious. the speaker is fixated on the window, desperately trying to block what has just happened. if you notice, the number of lines between the repeated line decrease in sequence: 6, 5, 4, etc. following the speakers own deterioration. the poem begins with simple descriptions, flowing into the speakers own thoughts, feelings, and fears. i used stream of consciousness and no punctuation to convey the confused and battered mind of a post traumatic stress disorder sufferer.

many thanks for the critiques and comments. every bit helps make me better.

( Posted by: nightshade [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

after...
I liked this poem, and I don't think it deserves as low a rating as it got. I think the main problem was that you didn't really convey your message clearly. I like the poem even more looking at it as "after a nuclear holocaust", though I think you could have shown that a lot better. Judging by the reviews, you seem to have confused a lot of people. I think if you rework it a little you could have a great poem. Well, I think I'll stop now before I hurt myself thinking to hard...

-----------

Why a lemon?

Why NOT a lemon?

( Posted by: lemon [Member] On: July 16, 2003 )

SPuds
Actually, I agree with Spudley. There is definite potential though.
Thank you.

( Posted by: Delgesu [Member] On: July 17, 2003 )

Fine
I agree that it's a stream-of-consciousness poem and a fine example thereof, and it doesn't go on as long or as wearily as others of its kind.

I also think there are plenty of clues that there has been a disaster, for example the baking asphalt and the screaming.

Then, the window is open and there is a sudden STOP. Apparently the shock wave has reached the speaker.

A fine job of illustrating my hoped-for apocalypse from the first-person point-of-view. Thank you, milady!

( Posted by: the alienist [Member] On: July 22, 2003 )





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