A - Hole
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Keith M. Rodgers
"Have you ever had one of those days when you know that turning off the alarm was the best part of the day? One of those days when you just know you should stay in bed and call in sick? I have, and this Is a story about one of those days:
It started at the retirement party for A-hole at the local pub after work. The guy literally fucked up so much that we just started calling him A-hole like it was his name. He was walking around all week telling everybody he had the winning number and asking, did they want in? Said everyone was going to feel real stupid coming to work while he was sipping martinis on the beach. Then the A-hole lucks up and hits the powerball on the tri-state lottery! Two Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars. Luck A-hole.
"Thank you, everyone for everything." You should've seen A-hole, dressed in a suit that cost more than I made in a month. "I would like to take this opportunity to thank the person most responsible for making this happen. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Eddie Haskell!" All the old guys laughed, liked I'd even knew who this Eddie Haskell guy was. "Who is It that said good is the enemy of great. I had a good life here. I made decent money; kept a roof over my head, put my wife and kids through college. A college I can now afford to pay for. The old guys laughed their geriatric laughs again until they started hacking up their lungs. "If it weren't for the insipid snipping of this arrogant, snot nosed, pompous golden boy, I probably would've stayed here till I retired like the rest of you and wwould've been happy, and settled for a good life.
"I once told Eddie about an e-mail that I received from a friend of ours calling President Obama a skunk because of his multi-racial heritage, and how I felt personally insulted because of my mother's mixed heritage, and my own. Without missing a breat Steady Eddie Haskell sniffed me as if I were that skunk. And that's not all:
"I was on the dock meeting the morning deliveries as I do almost every morning when the truck driver delivered a message from Steady Eddie. He said tell the number one I said hello, and it's not A-hole!
Be that as it may, it's his opinion, and opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and they're usually full of shit.
"That's not the only slights I've suffered at the hands of Steady Eddie, is it Eddie? A friend mine sent him a text saying that they missed their number one helper. Eddie replied: What's the matter, A-hole isn't cutting the mustard? As if!
"What he doesn't know is that I was supervising before he had a driver's license. I used to be just like him." He slapped me on the back between the shoulder blades so hard I almost spit out my beer! "Before I go, Steady Eddie, let me leave you with this, I've never said it to another person, at least not to someone who deserved it as much as you: May You Live In Interesting Times."
That's when it started.
I woke up the next morning with a splitting hang over, and then what happened next froze my blood: "Oh good, you're up!" It was a man's voice.
"What the fu ...?"