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10

(3 votes)


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10johnjohndoe
10NucleusFire
10poeteye

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I found beauty in a convenience store
Hidden in a corner, passed out on a shelf
Totally subdued by volatile substances
Exposing flesh
I instantly recognized the bar code
Tattooed on the back of her neck
The price was right
So I tried to put her in my shopping cart
There was not enough room for her
And she just wouldn’t wake up
Maybe screaming would have made her move
But the store policy implied absolute silence
I started poking her and pulling on her hair
The surveillance cameras caught me
And a salesman arrived, to inform me
That no tampering with the goods was allowed
I abandoned her and quickly left the store
Utterly ashamed and alone


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Comments

The following comments are for "Utterly ashamed and alone"
by Paradox

Convenienced
... Tampering not tempering, but aside from the spelling error (I assume you'll correct it) I gave it a ten. It was very amusing, and yes, you should be ashamed!

( Posted by: Poeteye [Member] On: September 13, 2012 )

Yep
Yep. Original Badass piece of writing!

( Posted by: NucleusFire [Member] On: September 14, 2012 )

Thanks!
I would correct it but I don't know how. :( Can't find an edit button on this page.

( Posted by: Paradox [Member] On: September 14, 2012 )

true you can't do it from this page, however
1.) log in.
2.) click "manage writings" on the Control Panel menu.
3.) select the yellow circle under action to Unpublish.
4.) click on the blue type [Unpublish this article]
5.) make your changes and resubmit.
6.) wait a few hours (only) and it will appear with the corrections (and all comments) intact.

( Posted by: poeteye [Member] On: September 15, 2012 )

...
Thanks for telling me that! I suspected it would work that way but I wasn't sure...

( Posted by: Paradox [Member] On: September 15, 2012 )

Ashamed and Alone
Starting with the title, I think is does not support the humor and witicism of the poem. I know, titles are sometimes hard to come up with.

I also think you have some areas that you could sharpen the wit and humor. For example, "Totally subdued by volatile substances" is somewhat sophomorish, no offense intended.

I think you could easily elevate the wit by using a better descriptive than "Totally Subdued". Also, rather than plural "volatile substances", which is very vague and abstract. I recommend give more detail by name an actual volitile substance, and make it sigular. That will draw a sharper focus and really make the scene more vivid in readers' mind.

Finally, if you can adjust the narrative voice, not easy to do, but if you make it more "retail like" it would be even more humorous and witty.

Maybe insert some quick, incomplete sentences to describe the scene, like you see in a grocery store. "New", or "Daily Special", or "Sale Ends Tuesday"....something like that to break up the monologue feel.

Nice work, very witty, funny, and strage at the same time.

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: September 16, 2012 )

...
Brian thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate constructive criticism like this although I don't agree with most things you mentioned. The title is how it is because this isn't a piece of humor it's rather a tragedy if you were to label it somehow. That's why I chose this title to give the reader a clue, although not many have gotten it. As for that line, well, I can understand your point of view. You must be thinking of phrases like: Totally awesome bro! :) You should hear me read that line and you would see that I pronounce it in a completely different way and that it fits very well with the rest of the poem. As for volatile substances being too vague and abstract, well how should I know exactly what she took or was given? :) The only thing I can agree with is that maybe I should have written it more "retail like" that was something that went through my mind when writing it. I decided against it because as the title of the poem implies this is a personal poem and that would have taken too much away from it. This poem is about beauty and how it is denatured by our culture and society and how this affects me personally. This poem is about standards and how they don't work for everybody. If you really want to be specific this poem is about the color gray and how it's perceived by our culture. This is a sub point of a dictionary definition: dull, dreary, or monotonous. Well, I don't agree with that!!! I actually love to see a woman wear a tight gray shirt! Why should I not like a color because a dictionary says so?!? That's why this poem feels strange to you because I am different...

( Posted by: Paradox [Member] On: September 16, 2012 )





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