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You wanted to understand
the tenor of wet, heavy lids ―
that had emigrated from
deep oceanic eyes.

You believed―it will go on
for ever. Roused in peace.
I will listen to the voice of river
lapping at the shores of pain.

Cocoon was lying still, will
not open to us. I was ready
to receive the death at door.
But it was a stripteaser.

The lovers will meet in the
wilderness, ride the lioness
and black berries will go to
moon for the payment of wages.

Satish Verma

------
SV


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The following comments are for "TURNING GRAY"
by satishverma

SV




Satish Verma is ferociously original


Yep devilish concoction there

I can read this as West Pakistan after Shock and Awe took place. Everything going off in different directions....

Reading your Bio I am sure there are many that wish India had not been sectioned. Two brothers and a sister born in India but I suppose nowadays they were born in Pakistan.....

It helps to be very old and part of history itself to truly understand it....

My explanation for why a vast majority are living in Babylon is "inexperience"..... I suppose it just has the edge over Armageddon.

Welcome to the latter stages of the Original Lit.org

( Posted by: Fairplay [Member] On: July 10, 2012 )

I agree with Fairplay
While I believe some minor edits would improve the readability of this poem ... in fact what I think happened is that you edited a bit too aggressively which I find is something I need to do more often. However, I think it's blackberries - I would prefer to see a 'the' placed before 'moon'.

I wonder about using 'oceanic' instead of ocean. deep ocean eyes makes the connection I believe.

I don't know about using the 'stripteaser' in this poem unless you are looking for a less sophisticated moment amongst your pearls. Is there a more appropriate word to use? Of course! There always is.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: July 11, 2012 )

Abrupt Awakening!
I have to agree with Pen. "Stripteaser" was jarring for me and interuppted a lovely flow of words and woke me up from a beautiful reverie that this poem engendered for me.

Nice effort!

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: July 13, 2012 )





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