Husband
by michaelpatrick (Member) - published: June 11, 2012
Word Count: 165 Word Bytes: 1299 Viewed: 320 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by michaelpatrick

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Every day her soul
Gets a little
More slaughtered
As tears stream
Endlessly screams
Silently in
Her dreams

Strong like Kilbeggan
Daunting as the
Ballad of John Barleycorn
And the laughing laser
Burned away
The black freckle
That stood on
Bunker's hill
Over looking today's
Morning dawn

So she chose
Flowers over clothes
Threw a white stone
Through the window of
The Empire State Building
Now something moans
Within it
And taste just like
The Dead Sea

Burns a fifty
In memory of
Her husband singing
For the love of money
And waiting for
It to fall
At a New York City's
Mourning mall
It flows gently
In his painting

At his sewer studio
With his last stroke
Wife I'm on my way
To heavens door
Husband I'll always be
The paint beneath
Your canvas wings
And one day
I'll be at
God's judgment roll call
And through the gates
I'll brush into you
All the
Bright colors
That will forever
Singnify the vow
Husband

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Comments

The following comments are for "Husband"
by michaelpatrick

hello!
I'm so happy to see another post of yours! Almost always something interesting and unique. I don't know your age and it's irrelevant cause you've got old poetry bones tumbling around in your mind. Jeez! Some of the words you choose make me think I'm listening to a 300 year old wayfarer who's got a lot to share. Almost like you've been reincarnated or something equally noble.

You still stumble with your spelling ... and I still tolerate it because of the content.

alittle - a little
slaughterd - slaughtered
I would remove the 's' in screams so it flows into the next line more fluidly but perhaps that's just me

Don't know about Bunker Hill being Bunker's Hill ... that could rankle US history buffs
overlooking - one word ... I would do something like that myself .. and people have pointed it out when I did too.
today's - possessive apostrophe needed

how about
she chose .. instead of chooses? Makes a cool rhyme link with clothes in the next line and perhaps the past tense works better?
tast- taste
Gods - God's
I notice sometimes you use the apostrophe and then miss it in other instances.
These details are minor when it comes to the overall colour of the poem. It paints a vivid and original picture which is a true mark of an artist. When I read your 'stuff' it's a rare moment that I feel you're wallowing in trite clichéd drivel. When that's happened I've made a point of leaving a less flattering comment because I admire your writing so much.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: June 11, 2012 )

Pen
Thank you very much for your comments.You are too kind.I knou my spelling can be awful but I'm gratful for your criticism.Thank you again.

( Posted by: Michaelpatrick [Member] On: June 12, 2012 )

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