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I am at the mountain peak
My feet are sore, my knees are weak
Each step a little slower
Each breathe a little heavier

There is no sound but the whistle of the wind
The rustle of the dancing leaves
As the dew drowns the eager soul
I gasp for breath, I gasp for...

What is it to reach the top?
To look down at things you can never touch
The grandeur of an empty sky
The beauty of a distant shore

For what purpose do we strive?
To gain what we will soon let fly
One day we will have to go down
We cannot rest on the mountain peak

Our flesh will soon go dry
For what purpose has it lived?
Our hearts will decay to the ground
For whom has it loved?


------
~piggy~

When you write... just write.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Peak"
by piggyjc

Peak
Hi JC:

I think it has potential, but see some bits that I think (just my opinion here) could use edits.

1. Overall, good structure, length, and I like the flow and pace. It has good movement

2. I'm not a fan of using questions in poetry. If used in one line not so bad, but in asking 4 questions (two in one stanza) it tends to force the reader to some conclusion, instead of that conclusion being revealed in another way.

3. It is completely narrative in form. That is not a bad thing, but I think whenever a poet can remove the narrative voice then imagery is stronger, and better chance to reveal who you are. Most expert poets (I've read this in books) say poetry should reveal something about the poet.

4. Stanza 2: starts with a negative statement (There is no...). For me that pulls my attention backward a little. If you can rephrase that as a positive, focus on the whistling wind, then it moves forward again.

5. Stanza 3: "To look down on things..." is too abstract. To paint a clearer picture and you describe looking at something in particular? Also, instead of looking "down" maybe looking "out, across, beyond" (something like that) draws the reader's senses deeper into the poem.

6. Finally, the theme is not very strong. If you read this month's Majestic article it speaks about strong opening and closing lines. I think this poem needs both. You want the reader to take something away with them; by ending with a question reader (I) gets the sense that I read all those lines with no prize at the end. You have a great chance to surprise the reader.

Nice work,

Keep pecking away

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: April 22, 2012 )

Forgot title
JC,

I forgot to mention the title. Singe word titles are okay, but remember the title is part of the poem, and the poet can use the title to reinforce or reveal additional detail about the poem with having to insert a new stanza. For example, a title such as "The Peak of Uncertanty" or something like that can really set the theme in concrete and actually help you put more vivid lines together.

Cheers

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: April 22, 2012 )

Thanks BW
To be honest i haven't really spent so much time in the technicalities of poetry. Most of my posts here are raw, unedited versions and mostly just free flowing from my thoughts.

Thanks for those inputs, and for the time you spent on critiquing the poem. I think it's about time I step up to do some studies on poetry. If you can recommend any resources that would be awesome.

JC

( Posted by: piggyjc [Member] On: April 22, 2012 )

I Love You on Purpose
There is no purpose to the Heart
Without Love

( Posted by: awhippingflame [Member] On: April 22, 2012 )





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