I say thereís plenty of time like I know it. I tell people that everything will be fine as if I know that it will be. The truth is, Iím scared. I canít explain how it felt to read the words, ďglobal bone marrow infiltrationĒ on the page. My stomach instantly tied in knots and my heart sank. I realized that there really was something wrong. I always suspected, but to have it confirmed was like a punch in the gut.
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Iím only 30. I have so much life ahead of me. To know that I could have a time bomb hidden in my body is the scariest thing I can imagine, next to losing my daughter. I never thought that maybe she could lose me.
Iím a worrier. Always have been and likely will always be. This thing has me torn up inside. It takes all I have just to function, worried to this level and feeling like I do. I know I have to maintain, it just feels impossible from one minute to the next to keep it up. I reassure the people in my life who are scared by this, act like itís no big deal. It is a huge deal. It could very well be the biggest deal of my life. I just feel the need to set their minds at ease. I hate feeling like everyone is watching me, waiting for my cool to slip.
It will. It does. There are moments that I just feel like I have to run, get away from all of this. I havenít figured out how to outrun my thoughts yet, and thatís the worst part of it all.
To go to work, do laundry, feed the baby breakfast are all things that are required of me. I have to do these things even if I feel like screaming inside. Even if I can barely drag myself out of bed, I have to keep things status quo. It drains me. I feel like I canít possible study enough for this play that has become my day to day life.
I wonder if it is cancer, how long will I have. 1 year? 2 years? 10 years? What could I accomplish in 2 years? I could get Isabella to preschool. I can teach her ABCís and colors and numbers and hopefully how to be a good person. I can teach her to love deeply. Can I possibly fulfill my duties as a mother in such a short time?
I am luckier than most in that I have a huge number of amazing people in my life. I never thought it was possible to have such a wonderful collection of people that I love in my life. I never thought that those people would also love me with such beauty and abandon.
I stare at the paper that I have the results written down on all the time. Itís almost like Iím hoping that they have miraculously changed since the last time I looked. They never do. Even as many times as I look at them, itís still a shock. I never thought that those ugly words would be attached to my name.
All I hope is that, whatever it is, that I have the strength and grace to meet it head on and beat it. That I will get to be here for my daughter. That I will get to see the woman that she will grow to be. That one day I can see her with a family of her own. This is my greatest wish.
I have no idea where my story goes from here. It is in the hands of the specialists now. I just have to wait and see. I just hope that the words ďThe EndĒ arenít written in my book for a very long time.