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This is not humorous. Trust me. I don't even know what kind of sick person you are if you thought this story was funny. This is an account of a man confessing his sins.

This one time Father, I went to mass, you know, like you've told us to. Only, there was this girl there. She was so pretty, with this blue wool coat on so you couldn't see too much, but she had a very pretty face. And I started staring at her, just hoping she would look back at me. She didn't, though, and you kept on with your sermon about the evils of a covetous nature, and I just thought it was the funniest thing. Right in the middle of church I laughed.

Really loud, but every one pretended like it didn't happen, so I titterred a little and quieted down. Anyway, I just stared at her until the end of the sermon, like my eyes were a pair of torches. But the bitch! . . . Excuse me, Father. But the girl didn't notice me at all! Can you believe it? Well, I knew she was just a snob that needed to come down off her pedestal, so I followed her out of the church.

Then, when she got near this one dark street, I looked around, right, all shifty-like, but no one was watching. Get this. I slapped her right across the face, then dragged her by her hair into an alley. I just started hitting her, and I couldn't stop, until I thought about how pretty her face had looked before, you know? So I stopped, and even though her arms were bruised and stuff, the coat had stopped a lot of the force, so she was still pretty all over her body. I know, 'cuz I took it off. The coat. Just peeled it right off her. Then I started feeling her, and I'm afraid to say it, Father, but I raped her. My hands felt of her and knew her in a way I know I shouldn't know. And she kept crying. Hm, I wish she would've stopped.

She really deserved it, though, I swear!

Whassat? Yes, as a matter of fact, she was sitting in front of me . . . Couldn'tve seen me? . . . Well, yeah, I guess you're right, Father. Boy, it's no wonder you do this shit . . . Excuse me, Father. It's no wonder you do this for a living. Thanks a ton. Police? Oh, no, I didn't invite them over for dinner. You're a riot, Father Ferrarone. G'bye.

Again, if you laughed, you're going to Hell. Seriously, I don'tt even know why I submitted this.



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Comments

The following comments are for "Forgive Me Father (R)"
by Washer

Laughed
All laughing did was get a velvet rope attached to my red carpet into hell. Actually, though, it was interesting, if not funny. It was one of those dark humor pieces that you'd have to be in a room full of people, who all only laughed becuase other people were laughing. Stunning way to make people keep nervous quiet, but well written, makes you feel betrayed inthe end. Good job?

And, honestly, I didn't laugh. At leat not until I recovered.

Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: July 1, 2003 )

Humorless
You weren't kidding washer, this was the most unfunny story I have ever read. It was a good short story never the less and actually very frightening. Was it an accident when you put under humor? Because it ain't funny. Like I said 'twas very good, and well . . . you know, so why should I bother writing it again?

( Posted by: Titus Tolshem [Member] On: July 2, 2003 )

re: forgive me father
If this is in the wrong spot, let me know and I'll move it!

( Posted by: Chrispian [Admin] On: July 2, 2003 )

?
Of course the humor stems from it being deliberatly placed in the wrong catagory. You evil fiend you.

( Posted by: albie [Member] On: July 4, 2003 )

A comment
Whether it's in the wrong catagory or not is irrelevent because this is a very good bit of writing. I am seriously impressed. I will be reading more of your stuff.

( Posted by: Delgesu [Member] On: July 9, 2003 )

Sorry Massa
Dear Mr. crowe,

Sorry bout that. I'll describe my motivations for putting the story here.

1) I am a sick man.

Go ahead and move it, if you feel it might offend people. I thought the R rating would cover it, but often times the forbidden fruit lures better than both honey and vinegar, though the metaphor falls apart when you realize that shweet shweet hunny and not shweet vinegar aren't fruits, though another metaphor would reveal honey to be the fruit of the bee in some way. Did I mention I only got three hours of sleep?

This arose when my friend had an away message on AIM describing how he was a priest, and that for a paltry fee we could discuss our sins. So I imagined I had a whopper, and let fly. Sorry if it's disturbing; I don't actually um, do that. That's wrong. So I hope that you all liked it anyway, but that you were all very ashamed of yourselves that you did.

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: July 11, 2003 )

plums
I totally agree with putting stories in the wrong catagory..horror just doesn't work on the veteran of that particular genre. So I'm off to post wrongly.
BEHAVE!

( Posted by: albie [Member] On: July 14, 2003 )

Hi
You are very good at what you do.
I like your comical approach to writing. This was not funny but it was good. Your a funny guy maybe your the next Bob Hope. Come on become a comedian they make killer bucks. lol
Anyway nice work.

( Posted by: lovesessence [Member] On: July 21, 2003 )





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