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You've made my heart too dark
To bear.
You cannot destroy what
Isn't there.
It left with love
To an unjourneyed place,
Where eyes are holes
And none has grace.
Where no tears run
-like mascaraed ink-
Tattooed upon me
From around the brink.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Down By Six"
by damifino

interesting
I like a subtle rhyme which sorta creeps up on me.

I found one word out of place amongst the simplicity of this poem.

'unjourneyed' - jumped out at me and felt even more awkward due to the required 'an' preceding it. My auto spell check brings it up as a 'mistake' or maybe a non-word? hang on .. rushing off to check another source ....... my other computer source [which is fallible] claims unjourneyed is not a word. That's not to say I haven't made up words to suite my poetic whims at times ... just wouldn't choose this one.

I wanted to slide 'stranger' in there because it's got a double meaning happening and it fits within the 'eyes are holes' framework that you weave in.

Even though I focused, to a fare-thee-well, on one word - please accept that I liked this poem quite a bit.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: October 29, 2011 )

Thank You Pen
'Stranger' does work very well. Or maybe
'Untraveled'? HA! I had been reading a short story titled "THE UNDEAD" before I wrote D.B.S. and I thought, well, if they can 'un'do it I can too!
Glad you like this. Please read on.

( Posted by: damifino [Member] On: October 29, 2011 )

a question
damfino - would you welcome a complete edit? Every time I read this some other idea pops out at me. This means I've returned to this poem a number of times because I like it.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: October 29, 2011 )

Sorry, I've been away.
By all means, edit away,Pen. I am very curious how that reads. I'm glad you like this poem...
I still wonder how 'an un---' got passed me!

( Posted by: damifino [Member] On: November 5, 2011 )

thank you
I never do this without permission because, to me, the thread of an idea always belongs to the conceiver. I doubt very much that what I see this morning is identical to where my mind was last time when I posted my request ... but here goes.


You made my heart
too dark to bear.
You cannot break
what isn't there.
It left with love
to a stranger place,
where eyes are black
and none have grace.
There tattoo tears
-like mascaraed ink-
scar my gaunt face
from beyond the brink.

Do you know Leonard Cohen? When I read your poem it's where my mind goes which is why your concept impressed me enough to keep coming back.

thanks again and of course where my mind went is a compliment to you. My offerings are for you to contemplate and consider at your discretion. That's the privilege you are entitled to.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: November 5, 2011 )





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