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Men of My Tribe: Me
Iíll open up a little; some times I get jealous of those of you with fathers, even the ones with bad fathers. Say what you want, but they love their sons, and arenít afraid to say so. Itís more than I got, and itís more than Iíll ever have; and not all the prayer or righteous living will get it for me. Sometimes I feel so alone, and inferior. I must be, because my father didnít love me. Itís not about how well I turned out, or how proud he would be, or should be. Itís about how I perceived myself in my mind in my youth that I canít get over today. Thatís probably why fathers scared me so; I wasnít used to being in the company of grown men, and I felt awkward and uncomfortable. When I went places with my friend and his father I would always stand behind my friend as if he was my shield or buffer. No one talked to me directly.
More news: Iím not shy, Iím insecure.
I donít speak because I donít want to draw attention to myself. Iím working on it, hence the opening up, but public speaking is still hard for me especially at church. I stand there; the illegitimate, bastard son who went unclaimed and unloved till I was 16! Try as I may to find words to talk to God for these people who know what I am, (one of the Motherís let my real fatherís name slip; the Pastor has done it a couple of times too), I know that Iím unworthy, that there are better people, men, then me, that should be here speaking to God for these people. If all they have is me then theyíre in real trouble.
In some ways Iím lucky. I donít have a lot of generational baggage: alcoholism, physical and psychological abuse. My kids have a confidence and experiences I donít have. Aknd yet, alltooften I find myself coming up short. I canít help it! Itís like my bad knee; I just kind of limp better on some days than others.



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The following comments are for "Men of my Tribe: Me"
by kmrdgrs326

limping
So my confession first: I do occasionally read your tribe posts but I just don't comment much these days. You should'a posted them five years ago when I couldn't stop commenting.

This post got under my skin. There are grammatical issues but that's not why it made me uncomfortable. I also grew up not knowing my father. Now, at almost 44, I still haven't. But I've realized they're not in our lives for a reason. What that reason is I couldn't say. Let's just say we're better off.

I think your situation makes you a better father though.

( Posted by: toscano [Member] On: April 6, 2012 )

Limping
Thanks for the encouragement, it means a great deal.

( Posted by: kmrdgrs326 [Member] On: June 22, 2012 )





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