Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Swinging on a spiral down
Sultry-sweet my thoughts abound

Underneath, in dark corners hide
There my soul to mournfully bide

I cannot tell how long this fall
No bouncing happiness to call

I lurk in shadow behind a mask
Beating heart along to task

Suddenly, slowly, I cannot tell
Yet found myself in dingy hell

Rotting from the inside through
Mushrooms sprout from heart once true

At crux, I feel, no turn to make
‘Cept circles round my dreary wake

To lay, at last, amidst the cries
Of my own weeping to the skies


David Moore
September 18, 2011

------
'But I don't want to go among mad people,' said Alice. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.'
Lewis Carroll



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Spiral"
by HeRoCoMpLeX

May I Suggest?
Certainly no one can accuse you of being derelict with your diction here; this piece is wrought with catchy phrases such as "bouncing happiness" and "dingy hell" etcetera. And typically this poem is fine just as it is but in writing poetry we should strive for perfection and perfect it is not. For instance, I don't get a sense of "spiraling" throughout the entire work which could be remedied with one small correction...change the title. How about calling it "A Heart Once True"? Bam! Perfecto! It's just a suggestion.

( Posted by: awhippingflame [Member] On: September 20, 2011 )

not feeling charitable
Maybe it's those months of sifting and shifting rocks that has me in a less than ... um ... er ... happy place?

Dave, what can I say about this poem? Not a lot of positive feedback that's for sure. It reads awkwardly and has a definite air of fledgling attempts at rhyme which, for the most part, fails to be lyrical. I don't ever use the descriptive [and hackneyed IMO] critique of 'forced' because I never have figured out what that means. All I know is that when I read this I felt that you were reaching for rhymes and struggling with getting your message across. I know you write better than this usually so perhaps you were having a bad day?

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: September 21, 2011 )

@Flame and Pen
Flame,

Thank you for not only taking the time to read, but to leave an actual critique. They seem to be few and far between these days. Never fear that constructive criticism will not be well received, it's the only way that we can grow. As to your suggestion, I've gotten mixed reviews on this piece, and the fact that the whole poem didn't "spiral" was mentioned more than once. Perhaps the title is misleading...something to look at during editing. Thanks!

Pen:

I love that you are always honest with me when you comment. I would ask that along with critique, maybe a pointer or two on how I could fix the problems? As I said to Flame, this one got mixed reviews. Ken posted it on his "best of" list for last month, yet my wife called it awkward. I feel "fledgling attempts at rhyme" was right on the money because I don't rhyme very often in my poetry. I'm more of a free verse kind guy, but I wasn't reaching or struggling to get my message across. This popped out of my head almost completely whole. However, you’re not the only one to say that it popped out...off. So, any suggestions on how to fix it for editing? Thanks for taking the time comment honestly about my work.

Much Love,

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: October 3, 2011 )

Spiral to depresion
Dave,

Well i don't like being contencious, but the ONLY critique I agree totally with is that 'title'. Whilst i know what you were trying to achieve with it, it does need a revamp to match the message and feeling of the poem.


That aside, as a rhyming poet who has trod scraped the dregs of depresion himself I think this work is powerful, well written and to me with absolutely no forced rhyme.

I would say it's quality shines out but this would be a 'wrong' definition. It's misery and hopelesness abounds and that is the sign of a terrific piece of communication.

it just shows that it is 'horses for courses' and I found myself in the saddle throughout this piece. Even presenting it in couplettes forcing a pause to absorb each message added to the effect.

Well done, get better soon (:

(but find a title to better match the message within)

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: October 3, 2011 )

about reader's impressions
David, as you can see, there's more than one opinion registered about this poem of yours. I'm not about to alter mine and am pleased to see that others appreciated your words more than I did.

However, seeing as you asked and now I'm home from my road trip [I LOVE Montana!] I'll take a moment and attempt to oblige you with further contemplation of your poem.

You note that your wife found it 'awkward' and I couldn't agree more. You also state that you agree with my 'read' on your 'rhyme'. Rhyming is something that comes natural to me so it's impossible for me to give you input on how to manage it better. I could rewrite the entire poem altering the rhyme .. but that wouldn't be 'you' ... right? However, if you'd like me to do that I will.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: October 10, 2011 )

Spiral
I loved your rhymes man, there are terrific. It's tough to find the right words in this kind of piece but I think you did a great job.

My favorite line was "There my soul to mournfully bide." Something about that line I really like. Keep scribbling!

Havoc

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: October 13, 2011 )

@Rodney
Thanks for the kind words buddy, I enjoyed this one and I'm glad that you did too. I'll be over to your story in the next day or so. Be looking for me.

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: October 20, 2011 )

Dave
Maybe its because ive been to and in that spiraling place that I understood the title and the way it related to thee work. sad it is ..
.and it makes me wonder whats in your head these days. hope you are well we need to talk soon.
as always I love reading your writes. even if im not the scholar, our poetically correct writer, im just there average reader who gets what you write.

always
Heather

( Posted by: trynfinity [Member] On: October 29, 2011 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: