Write Off: When angels deserve to die
by northerain (Member) - published: June 30, 2003
Word Count: 1325 Word Bytes: 7447 Viewed: 2971 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by northerain

5.58

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The heat just wouldn't let up. Summer in the desert was always hot, but not like this. Most of the stores in Haven had closed up, the shop owners trying to wait out the heat wave in cooler climates. Haven was a tourist town most of the year. Not a big tourist town. It was the quiet sort of place that people went when they wanted to find themselves. People who watch too much television and think by running away theyll find whatever is missing in their lives. So they come to Haven to do it. The Indians here take them on guided tours and get them high on peyote so theyll spend more money. They came all year around, every year, accept this one.

Six months ago people started seeing things in the night. Not exactly uncommon, all things considered. It wasn't long before a couple of young girls went missing, followed by a lawyer trying to find meaning in his life. More and more followed and the word spread. You see ghost towns in the movies and on television, but to see it happen before your eyes is a whole other thing. The animals in the area started disappearing too. I guess we should have noticed, but it started small. Lizards and birds vanished followed by chickens, cats and dogs. By the time the bigger animals, like horses and cows, went missing, those first two girls vanished. We couldn't figure out what happened. There were no signs of them. It was like they literally vanished. That is, until the heat started, and the smell.

It was aufull, and seemed to spread all over town. Maybe that was because of the heat, and the fact that there was hardly any wind these days. The smell(as numerous residents insisted on) was stronger around the old cemetery. At some point, this detail reached the ears of the local sheriff, who sent a team to "invstigate". Around the cemetery there had gathered a large number of residents, all wearing home-made masks so they could bear the horrible smell. The police squad arrived at the scene, and proceeded to search the cemetery. The two police officers were shortly followed by a small number of brave residents carrying shotguns and shovels. And they searched the cemtery from top to bottom. And sure enough, they came upon the problem. An old tomb had been recently re-opened to the public as it seemed. Inside, a mass of bodies. Two girls, a man, alot of animals. They were decomposing. The brave residents turned away and emptied their stomachs. One of the officers fainted. Everyone else backed up slowly. They hadnt hoped in this kind of results. The news spread quicly. In a few minutes, every resident in town had agreed in taking part in a manhunt that would last untill the murderer was found. The fact that except those two girls and the man, there was a very large number of animals in the tomb didn't seem to intrigue anyone as to the nature of the murderer. One of these determined men had more reasons to take part in this manhunt:his daugter had not returned home the night before. The mob was pretty thick for a ghost town. It even included me.

They decided to begin their search in the woods. Maybe they did think about the nature of the killer after all. Not that i knew something you understand. It's just that i didnt think any human could kill all the birds and small animals. The hunt proceeded unenventfull untill nightfall. And then, i heard the sound every man was waiting for. A distant cry, and a scream:"I found him!I found the motherfucker!". Everyone started running towards the man who yelled. The missing girl's father was running beside me. At some point, we reached the man. He was aiming a shotgun towards a man in black, who held in his arms the dead body of the missing girl. Flashlights started to center on his face and the girls body. The man wore a black suit stained with blood, and seemed to have been crying. He still was. The girls father, who was untill now standing dumbfounded beside me, jumped at the man and started hitting him with his fists, all the while screaming alot of things no one could understand. The stranger did not try to protect himself, and did not even seem to take notice. His face still had the same shamefull,sad expression. Some of the men tried to stop the father, the rest just stood looking. At last, four men succeded in dragin him away. The stranger just crawled towards the girl again. Tears were running down his cheeks. Two men lifted him from the ground and started dragging him towards town. Only then did he awake from his near catatonic state and started fighting back. He didn't wan to to leave the girl. The two men were joined by two more who helped them drag him away. I had time to look at the girl. Even in death, she was beautifull. There weren't any obvious marks on her body, just a blood stain on her chest, and the red earth around her. Her eyes were closed. She looked as if she was sleeping. But her paleness told you otherwise. Then they covered her with a blanket. I almost protested. "Why did they cover her?" a part of me kept asking all the way to town. "Why?".

The police hadn't interfeered till now, and i thought they wouldn't interfeer at all. The crowd was raging. It had turned into a mob. They did not take him to the town officials. They took him to the town's square instead. Like the old days. The man in black was still crying. That seemed to anger the crowd even more somehow. I looked around at the people gathered. I saw hate on their eyes. Hate and other more dark and sinister thoughts. I understood. They were not going to hand him over to the police. They were gonna deal with the matter like the people of old did. They still remembered the punishment administered to murderers in times of old. They created a cricle around him. He did not seem to notice. The first stone that him, made him stagger and then fall to his knees. The father of one of the dead girls was the one who throwed the first stone. I did not know if he was without sin. Then, stones started falling on him from everywhere. The punishment had begun. I looked away. I could not watch someone of my kind beeing put to death. When at some point they thought they achieved their goal, they stopped. He tried to stand up. When he did, he reached his hands towards the people. All this time, he did not speak or scream. He only cried silently.

A resident, most likely a father of another dead girl approached him, his fist clenching.

"Why are you crying?Why in gods name are you crying?You killed them. Why are you crying?"

The man finally spoke. A high,crisp voice. Despite his wounds, he stood proud. Blood was running from his mouth, down his throat. He spat blood.

"I cry when angels deserve to die. " he simply said.

"Deserve? Deserve? Oh you mother-"

He started hitting him. Soon, others joined him. They finished what they had started.

They didn't understand. Only i understood. He was looking at me when he said those words. It was the way of life. Life and Death. Begining and End. But it wasn't easy. It was even worse when it was you who carried out the orders. His name was Northerain. He could not go on. He could not go on ending lives and leading their souls away. He had carried his pain for so long. It was enough. It was enough for me. I silently prayed for him.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Write Off: When angels deserve to die"
by northerain

Smoking to much peyote?
I don't even know where to begin, this story is so crappy it makes laugh. I'm guessing your in your teens, listening to heavy metal, and thinks it's cool to write stuff about running away, getting high, killing people, and writting stuff about angels and demons. Typical, just absolutely frickin' typical. Seems like an interesting tale to tell to other head bangers but it's like listening to Marilyn Manson, good beat but a huge pile never the less. A disturbed loner killing people like I haven't heard that before. Worst of all it seems like this was copied out of a scene from The Green Mile where they find John Cofey holding two dead little girls and a pissed father kickin' the crap out of him with an angry mob by his side. Keep on writing, and flush this stupid story down the toilet.

( Posted by: Titus Tolshem [Member] On: June 30, 2003 )

Easy, Titus!
Now, assuming you're right Titus, which is a big assumption ... there's nothing wrong with teenage angst! As a recovered teenage poet I feel the need to say this.

On to your entry Northerain, I have to say it left me a little confused. I suspect that the biblical references (casting the first stone etc) are the key to understanding ... but I'm not there. What was the relationship between the narrator and the 'killer'? Was the killer actually the killer?

And I don't understand the 'angels deserve to die' comment.

Sorry - I'm probably missing the point here, but I'm afraid I just don't get it.

Being critical on the use of language - many of the same problems as I mentioned in my comments on your last write-off entry - particularly the misuse of the apostrophe, some poor spelling and some poor choices of words. If you want a detailed breakdown of the errors I spotted email me.

( Posted by: crazylegs [Member] On: July 1, 2003 )

weird
First up, this is a weird story.

Now, to critique it...

Spellings. Ack! Spellings! And grammar (but not as bad as the spelling). Until has one "L". That was the most painful one, because it was repeated several times in the story, but there were plenty of others. Run a spell-check before posting.

On the story: I think you did a fairly good job building the narrative, though the ending was a little weak.

Score 7/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: July 1, 2003 )

Needs more meat
This is a story that has some promise to it. I agree with Spudley and Crazylegs. You need to work on grammar and spelling. These are key to good writing. Everybody makes mistakes in spelling and grammar. I do it all the time. Just make sure to run a spell check before posting. That's my technical analysis on this piece.

On an artistic level, I think that this story never reached it full potential. The title is a real hook for the reader. The story, however, seems a little rushed. It sounds to me like you had all these great ideas and made a mad dash to write them all down. Your exposition on the scene was really good. Could be tweaked in some areas, but you did a good job painting the scene. The characters aren't fully developed though. It's like you used oil paints for the background, the switched to watercolors for the foreground. We need to see what makes these characters do the things they do. This will give your characters depth and layers. That will make the story much more interesting. It also adds to the flow and action of a piece.

Lastly, if you give the character greater depth it's likely that this will add another facet to the exposition portion of your story.

I would like to see this story again in a couple of drafts. It's an interesting idea that just needs to be worked over.

( Posted by: wrath186 [Member] On: July 1, 2003 )

on new ideas
I'll start with the obvious. All of the comments save the first one have some validity. Spellcheck would be a godsend, and having someone look over your grammer before posting would be a good idea. However, in spite of all of that this was not, all in all a bad story. In fact as someone else said it has plenty of potential, that perhaps could be better realized in a longer story.

With all of that said I'm going to address certain accusations of plagarism. There is no such thing as a new idea. There I've gone and said. Writer's steal ideas, we all do it. Most of the time we don't even know we have done so. Stephen King himself is a hack. You can look at the majority of his stories and name the classic that gave him the skeleton of the story. There is plenty of literary criticism on the subject. So while I could see where Titus gets the impression that The Green Mile was close in your thought when you wrote this piece. I saw it too. But that in itself isn't a crime. But you should consider dressing things up so that the connection isn't so obvious.

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: July 1, 2003 )

I'm a jerk
I read your comments about my harshness and I must apologize for being so harsh(an understatement).Please except my apology everyone, I will try to give criticism that you can actually use. Very sorry Northerain I came down on you much to hard(Harder than you deserved)and I know I shouldn't have said such terrible things. Keep working on your writing and I am sure you'll get better.

( Posted by: Titus Tolshem [Member] On: July 2, 2003 )

System Of A Down
No-one seems to have noticed the nod to System of a Down here. "i cry when angels deserve to die" is a line from Chop Suey. Just thought I'd add that little titbit of information for the uncultured swines above :P:rofl:

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: July 19, 2003 )

Hi
I thought that this story had quite a good plot despite the occasional errors such as typing 'accept' instead of 'except' and a few spelling errors. I enjoyed reading this, well done

jo

( Posted by: misunderstood [Member] On: January 27, 2004 )

hej
hello man, thanks for your comment.i suggest you read the revised edition though...lol

( Posted by: northerain [Member] On: January 28, 2004 )

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