Note: Contains some adult language.
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It’s been a long time since I felt the need to pour my heart out into a blog. Things have been going well for me, it seemed too well and I shouldn’t have been surprised at what happened. I let my guard down. Before I left to join the army, when I was still trying to piece together my life, I was in a lonely place. I just wanted people to read what was going on in my head, as if I actually had someone to talk to.
After Jetfire splashed some cold hard wisdom in my face regarding Tori, a girl that I had truly loved, I took her advice and got in contact with her. I didn’t want to hate her anymore, didn’t want there to be any bad feelings between us. After she moved to Alabama things got hard, and she was just too lonely. She started dating some Michael kid while telling me she loved me. Somehow it just…happened. I was heartbroken at the time, literally crying like a kid.
But there I was anyway, by myself in Mississippi trying to forgive her. It had been a really long time. Anyway, we kept in touch while I was in basic and then when I went to AIT and could talk on the phone normally…it happened. We found the love that had been buried somewhere between the distance and confusion and insecurity.
I was going to Korea, there was no way around it. But after every day it was clear that there was something more than us just talking. We were making plans…plans to get married when I got back to the states. We loved each other and talked as much as possible but it was difficult with the time difference and, the weird thing was that I tried harder than she did. I put myself out there while she was the hesitant one. Strange huh? How could she be hesitant about getting hurt when it was her who started dating some guy and ended it? I would never have strayed.
I had found out through snooping on myspace that she was dating this guy, calling each other “baby” and talking about can’t waiting to see each other again. When I confronted her about it, she said they were “just friends.”
Well that was a lie and soon enough they were dating, despite the cries my heart made. But I pushed past it, put her out of my head, “deleted” her from my thoughts somehow. I buried myself in work as I drove to fix my fucked up life. A long time passed without me thinking about her until Jetfire suggested I let her know that I was leaving.
So here I was, I Korea and trying to make a long distance thing work. I hadn’t seen her in two years but would have happily married her anyway. What can I say, I was an idiot. Then…uncomfortable feelings started bubbling up in the pit of my stomach. How can your girl hang out with two guys ALL the time…I mean, it’s strange isn’t it? I know, just as every other guy knows, ANY single guy will try to get into a cute girls pants. I was nervous, I wasn’t there but he was. And I knew it, everytime she got on facebook she wrote on his wall. They talked all the time, more than we did. I tried, tried to change that but it always blew up in my face somehow, and it ended up my fault.
I knew what could happen, because I used to make her smile like that. I used to be that guy she always first thought of when she signed into facebook. She used to send me smiley faces and random comments. But when I expressed my concern that she should be careful and I was sure the guy liked her (who wouldn’t?), she played it off. She kept telling me don’t worry about it and she loved me, and of course I loved her so I tried to ignore the growing sickly feelings in the pit of my stomach. It was nostalgia of the worst kind, not being able to just call her at any random time anymore…not being able to text her, not being able to come over to her house and, what, reinforce our feelings for each other?
But we still made plans to see each other, to get married when my tour here was done. She told me she liked to think about the future, our future together. I was pleasantly surprised but it seemed that was a lie too.
It was just one day, I decided to put myself out there. Only by really showing her that I loved her and I wanted to make this work would I be able to move this relationship from its tedious position and solidify it, right? So I did it, I sent her a mushy “I love you email,” drawing from all the love and hope I felt in my heart. Seeing us together again just inspired me and I thought I had done a good job of conveying that through words.
It didn’t seem to do anything, I asked if she had read it and she replied with “Yea I just read it.” I was about to ask her what she thought of it but she said she had to go and signed off. I shrugged it off because things were hard for her, her mom ran her life and it was more akin to the Cinderella story than anything. So I ignored the nagging feelings with the discipline and hope only a soldier can develop. She was going to hang out with those two guys again all day.
Just two days or so after this, I leave her an offline message that told her I loved her and wondered if she was thinking about me. Her response was, “I can’t do this.” I messaged back saying “what?” knowing full well this could be it. She explained how hard it was on her, and how it might not be “fate.” She wanted us to take a break for 3 weeks and see how it was when she went to college. I mean, what could I do? I tried to talk to her but in the end I accepted it. She was going through tough times and needed to sort it out. I was understanding.
A few days passed and I didn’t talk to her, like she asked. She didn’t send me anything, and curiosity and trepidation got the best of me. I checked her page and didn’t find anything strange but I was smarter than that. I knew that on facebook you can make it so when people see your page they don’t see your recent comment’s. She had done that I knew. But when two people have been really close, lovers, you can tell when they start to stray. You know, you feel it, something isn’t right. And you always know who it is too. I knew it was this Sean guy that was the problem.
I went directly to his page. There it was, on his wall. “Sean is now in a relationship with Tori.” Her full name right there, with a link to her profile meaning she confirmed the relationship status. And if that wasn’t proof enough, she liked the status! I waited a day and still nothing happened. She wasn’t going to tell me. Torn between rage, confusion and hurt, I realized I could only blame myself. I was foolish to think, to believe in words. I mean I forgave her once, I didn’t think about it, but a second time?
I’m a soldier in the U.S. Army for god sakes, do you know what comes with that? Values that I never knew I had. Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage. I have a moral code…me! The demon that had once ruled me in lashing out at the world in hate, tempered by shackles of doing the right thing. That means I won’t give up on the relationship, that I will fight for it. I will marry you and come home to you and be happy. I know that my free time is precious and every second with you is to be cherished. I won’t take you for granted and I will never stray from you.
And who is this guy? Not better for sure. Surely he couldn’t love her as much as I did, surely he couldn’t provide her with a house and a steady income and SURELY he doesn’t intend to marry her and start a family with her, they just started dating.
But the mind does crazy things. It tricks her just like mine tricked me. So I sent her an email, telling her to fuck off and cursing her for not even having the decency to tell me. Was she just going to string me along and then recommit if her new boy toy didn’t work out?
Hah! Imagine my surprise when she replies with a “fuck you” (that wasn’t the surprising part) and a link. A link to this very site, Lit.org! She said I just wanted to be alone and she didn’t. The link was to a blog I wrote, when I was in Mississippi consumed by loneliness. I had talked about just wanting to be alone and self reliant. I was disgusted at my inability to survive without my mother, being 19. It was shocking, to see her pull such a strange move on me, my own blog.
But it didn’t make much sense when you think about it. That was when I was having a hard time dealing with reality. There was no one to talk to, no one who would listen to me talk about my thoughts and feelings without judgment, without consequences. So I wrote out to people who didn’t know me, had no idea who Havoc was except for one single person, Herocomplex. I could vent my frustration and relay my deepest, darkest fears without consequences. Without anyone who knew me knowing what was going through my head.
But I trusted her too much. I loved her, and when I say that word I meant it. I opened up fully, and if she wanted to read my stupid blogs from the past I didn’t mind it. She tried to say that I just wanted to be alone, as evidenced in my blog. But like I said, that was a different time. I told her I loved her. I made it clear that when I got back I wanted to marry her. I wanted to be together with her more than anything in the entire world and nothing would stop us if she just said yes, that she would marry me. And she did.
That doesn’t sound like a guy who wants to be alone anymore, does it? But females are strange creatures, this one stranger still. In her mind maybe I’m not good enough. Too demanding? Too ready to commit? Too needy? Too easy? Too reliable? Too loving? Too caring? Too handsome? Too forgiving? Too hardworking? Too loyal? Too strong?
Who knows. I just know that it’s really over now. Once again I will forget her, hopefully this time for good. I tried so hard, Lord I did. But I suppose there is another path I must walk before I find happiness. And yes, to the new Havoc, one with a code of high morals, happiness means finding a girl who will be as devoted to me as I will be to her.
Maybe she will read this, and maybe not. Probably not, if I had to guess. Well, I am alone again. Maybe it’s high time I actually have some real fun in Korea. Until the next disaster hits, farewell gentle reader. I hope it will be quite awhile before I feel the need to write another.