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Why am I alone?











By Suzi


It has taken me all my time and strength to get where I am today. It has taken me time and patience to ensure that this was what I wanted to do. I knew that others could do this well and with ease and that they would never understand. They have not been through what I have. They have never encountered the thought of what could happen and therefore they feel no fear. I should have gotten over it by now, but I never have. That feeling of panic, frustration and overall fear that is so consuming. It makes you think of nothing else. It makes you feel weak, doubt yourself and want to run. But here I am now and this is my ultimate challenge.

I know that I have to overcome my fear of the water. I knew that one day, this day would come and that I would have to face it. My daughter would eventually want me to go swimming with her and I knew that I would be letting her down if I didnít. So I decided to try this for myself first. I couldnít bear the look on her face as she realised just how scared I was. But that was the trouble with me. I am always scared.

It is everything. The fact that for so long I have lived where I didnít have to face up to anything. My husband always did that for me. He always showed me that I was weak and couldnít do it. So eventually I believed him. I had convinced myself that my petty fears were insurmountable and that I would never overcome them. Nevertheless, here I am. Determined to face my fears and become strong. Determined to show that I could do some of the things that others took for granted. Stand on your own two feet, a friend said. Show him what you are made of. So thatís what I am determined to do.

This is the first. I have many other hang-ups to sort out and many other things to deal with. I know that I will have to do them. I know they will be hard. The motorway driving, the difficult roundabout, the fear of fish and birds. These are all things I will overcome in time. Be independent, my friend said. He didnít really like me being so clingy and dependent. The only trouble is, if I become too self contained, he may not like it. I donít really need a man for anything. I know I can cope with these things alone. I am proving that to myself, that I can do it alone.

I love my friend, of that there is no doubt, but he keeps telling me to be myself, not be so scared, so frightened. Well, that is one of the changes I am going to have to implement. But I know he wonít like it. He will not like the idea of me not needing him. Being helpless was the one thing that he always liked about me. By telling me to be brave, he will lose the childlike quality he is always admiring about me. He will lose the essence of me, of who I am. And then, will he still want me? or will he become the same as the other husband? The one who never wanted to go out, never wanted a life, who had forgotten to laugh. I will become hard and cold in his eyes, and fiercely independent.

I know who I am now. I know the person I can be and the person I want to be, but unfortunately, they are not the same person. If I become independent then I will need no-one. I will learn to do all those things by myself and I will become someone else. Tough and icy and withdrawn. I know, I have been there before. A long time ago, before when I was put in a position where I was alone. Completely alone. I know the choices I made then and the hard callous bitch that I became. My situation meant that I had to survive, and I did, the only way I knew how. I used people to gain what I wanted and I was driven by the need to be successful.. I know I can get back there again, very easily, too easily. But that is not who I am really. Inside I am frightened and shy, need the reassurance and stability of the one I love. I need to feel those strong arms around me, taking away my fears and replacing them with love. I canít do this tough thing any more. making me into this monster. This manipulator of people, who uses and gets what she wants. I want to be dependant on someone. I want someone to look after me and show me that I can be the warm gentle person I used to be, before I really learned what life was like. But deep down, I donít think he realises that. He just wants me to be independent. Independent means separate doesnít it. It means looking out for number one and I am used to having to do that. I thought he was my protector. I thought he would love me forever but already he is trying to change me. To make me tougher and less needy. Well, thatís a horse of a different colour isnít it.

I love him, have loved him for years, but already, so soon, he wants to change me. Why do men always want to change everything? Why do they want you to be something else? He says he is happy with the way I look, dress act but he wants me to stop being wimpy. I know I should but why does it feel like I am backing into my shell again? Why do I feel the protective shutters going up and why do I feel so cornered? I know I am withdrawing from him, protecting myself again, not letting another man hurt me. I couldnít bear it if he left me too, but the fear of being hurt is too much. I feel too vulnerable.

He will never know the real reason that swimming is such a big deal to me. He will never know that it was me, who was pushed into the pool in Greece, and it was me that had to be rescued and sent off to hospital. I canít tell him that. He already thinks I am such a waste of space. The amount of silly and dangerous things that have happened to me. I feel convinced he thinks I am making them up, well some of them at least.

My biggest fear is loneliness. I have lived for so long by myself that the fear of being alone is worse than any I have encountered. I would rather walk around the town late at night than be sat in the house alone and scared, I know it is dangerous but sitting under a tree at midnight to see in the summer solstice is an important part of who I am these days. I needed to talk to Mother Earth for guidance, to help me choose the path I must take and I have chosen.

If independent he wants me to be, then independent I shall be. I just hope that I am still the person he wants me to be at the end of it all.



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