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The poem I didn't write
has collapsed within
the working years,
fed them
so I may live.

------
The conscious shape reality.


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The following comments are for "I was young"
by Furius

Needs more
I see more possibilities in this. As it is now it seems incomplete to me. I think it is often a good thing to leave a reader wanting a little more. But the first line is a very good hook, then it flattens out too much. I'd like to read more about that poem you didn't write.

What caused the lapse? What changed in the poet's life to cause the poem to be abandoned in "the working years"?

I think it has much more promise.

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: May 22, 2011 )

not writ
Know what this made me think of? Quick conversations grasped at upon waking from odd dreams. We only ever catch fragments of something vastly greater. And that always leaves one with doubts and longings.

The one suggestion I'd make is extending the last line. Perhaps:

so that I may live (?)

( Posted by: toscano [Member] On: May 22, 2011 )





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