I Don’t Blame You. I Blame Time
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When I met you, I loved you. There was no falling in love. I simply loved you. Time never understood us. We wanted to be together every moment, and we maintained that for days. People wondered how we could. We maintained it for weeks, and they said it would fade. We maintained it for months and they said it couldn’t be real, especially all these miles apart. We maintained if for a year and they began to wonder what this special magic was. They began to wish they had someone who would light up as I still did whenever I heard your voice -- no matter how many times a day that was -- and someone who would say, “I love him SO much!” each time I hung up the phone.
But as I look back over the past 17 months, I see how time became our enemy. Less than a month away from being together at last, the minutes became decades. Time shed light on words like “soon” and “anything to be with you” and made forever begin to seem like something that would never begin.
Because of time, promises became lies. I understand that it does not mean you were lying. It means that you did your best, but “soon” didn’t work out, and “anything for you” came to mean theoretically.
Time ruined our momentum by placing doubts in our paths. Rather than embracing life together with the excitement that made it impossible not to say, “I love you” with every breath, it stole the natural momentum away.
We should have been in the same place and time, sharing life, waking up together while that was still in our veins.
Unintended wounds began to replace the limitless trust I had for you, and like a wounded animal, I insisted on leaving you though you swore it wasn't what you wanted, but I refused to go quietly away -- to try and understand why it was happening. Yet too much honesty (not necessarily truth -- just honesty about how things looked through my fears), exaggerated by my disappointment, made you pull back to protect yourself.
Time didn’t wait for us. For me, it brought on a second unprepared winter, while you lived in luxury. It brought on many days without food because I was too sick to work; I had no medical care.
It brought one day every week when the two of you lit candles and sipped wine from the same goblet, while I tried not to think of it -- alone, in the dark. I had no wine, and for months, my only heat was candles -- until they had all turned into soot that darkened my walls.
I know you didn’t understand. I didn’t share enough with you to make you understand. I wanted you to continue to move toward me without doing it out of sympathy or guilt. I wanted you to do it out of the infinite love we shared. But time waits for no one. And here it is again, leaving us now to our own devices.
In time, we will know if what we had, ever really was.
Here, I share, with stark honesty, my life.