Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8.5

(2 votes)


RatingRated by
9poeteye
8VickieSALT

You must login to vote

Drug addiction came over on my ship
when the going is about to flip
a hard drink and king of glass
we get lost in the flask
the moon moves the water and illuminates our night
throw me a star and and carry my self to another fight

oh oh the fluoride in my water....
why! Spend a aluminum byproduct on our youth
oh what we done when we were young

rewrite the history books
we are only a young race from industrial revolution
nature has signs and we gain wisdom from the time
Yea Yea Yea but were still young!

Electrical wings being evolved in our DNA
we will have no need for spoken language
Smoke that filters from or ways of being gregarious
we carry us home to the only fastidious
ways of posting

a mean can of beer from aluminum
fluoride from the making
dump into our sewers and tap water
Let her go, let her go, oh let her go
We wake up brushing our teeth, twice
wonder why our dentist are caustic
but they are only now being brusque

lalalalala everyone drink their water and enjoy the television
and everyone enjoy the television
the television!!!



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Flouride Song "
by NucleusFire

oddball in a good way
This should be lyrics .. reads like a song .. an oddball one but a song none the less.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )

Flouride
I like this but I have some thoughts. I read this a dozen times and here is what like - you have a committed and involved poetic voice and the quirky way your mind turns a phrase is intriguing and verging on a style. You write lyrically naturally and deftly and I love the 'word pictures' that 'yeah yaeh yaeh evokes. Here's what sticks for me: watch grammatical issues- I think you try a bit hard to be 'Poetic' where you have a long phrase a shorter more concise choice of words would be better, in my opinion - your verses could be more economic.
As an example 3rd stanza: (not as a the way but as a way to show economy -sometimes it's a matter of trusting the reader to fill in what isn't written.)

History rewritten
industrial race born of revolution
wisdom gained in time, nature signs
yea yea yea we're still young

I don't often do this but I am a fan of yours that if what I offer helps you I'm glad - if not take it as just another opinion.
Thanks
ken

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: