Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(2 votes)


RatingRated by
8chapter1
8Teflon

You must login to vote

I cherish our kiss
in warm August rain while you
held my ponytail


------
Good things wait for those who know what they are doing


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Eijuszik's"
by VickieSALT

of positioning
Victoria,
You change tense. If you wish, "cherish"..then "hold" should follow.

or else "chersihed" and "held"

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )

ponytail
felt this one! very nice...

( Posted by: cmsmuse [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )

reflective..
After perusing several times, I see how it could be read the way represented..if you are recollecting.."'when' you held my ponytail"

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )

that ponytail again!
cms, I knew that Lit org has ponytail aficionados!

Bobby, you got this right - I cherish (now) that lasting moment when he held my pony tail

( Posted by: VickieSALT [Member] On: March 31, 2011 )

Hey you chic
If someone really cared to find out who that is, they would run you out of this town! Since nobody else but you know how to spell his name, you are safe.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: April 20, 2011 )

intentional tense change I think....
Ah yes, the kiss lives on long after it is executed, and something you very skillfully point out by your changing tense. I see Bobby recognized your change in tense as well, but I think he missed why you did it.

I assume it was/is intentional, which would make this haiku a very skillfully written verse, if accidental, then I would have to agree with Bobby.

Great work, outstanding if intentional, just ok if accidental.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: April 21, 2011 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: